Episode 18: How To Cope With Grief and Loss
This week’s topic is a tough one, but it’s something that we’ll all have to navigate at some point in our lives despite most of us feeling totally unequipped to cope with it. We’re talking about grief, with the help of mental health professionals Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams, the founders of popular website and podcast What’s Your Grief.
This week’s topic is a tough one, but it’s something that we’ll all have to navigate at some point in our lives, even though most of us feel totally unequipped to cope with it. We’re talking about grief, with the help of mental health professionals Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams, the founders of popular website and podcast What’s Your Grief.
Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, the general uncertainty of the pandemic, job loss, a breakup, a difficult diagnosis, or the loss of connection with the people you love, you might be experiencing grief in ways you didn’t even realize.
How we’ve coped with grief and loss
For Gillian, the recent loss of her incredible Grandma left her feeling overwhelmed with grief and emptiness, leading up to and after her death. While she’s still processing her loss, she’s working to keep her memories alive, and she’s found some helpful ways to cope:
Creating new rituals with her family to remember and honour her Grandma on special occasions
Baking her Grandma’s famous recipes
Talking about her grief with friends and family
Learning how to stop shutting out her memories, and rewriting the painful ones with positive thoughts
For Cailyn, the loss of her Opa and the diagnosis of a close relative had her spiral into waves of grief. She’s found ways to cope by:
Carving out set times for her to feel her grief
Watching happy upbeat content—laughter is the best medicine!
Sleep, exercise, eating well and going on walks with her dog
Opening up to her husband and close friends when she needs to talk, cry or vent
How to identify your individual grief coping style
Tapping into your individual coping style can be really helpful as you figure out how to cope. The first step is to acknowledge that there is more than one way of grieving. Eleanor reminds us that grief is different for everyone: “We think of grief as mostly being an emotional experience, but the reality is that it’s more than that. It’s cognitive, physical, and spiritual. It’s all sorts of different types of experiences.”
You can start by thinking about who you are, what coping mechanisms have worked for you in the past, and have an open mind about things that you think might be helpful for you. For example, someone who processes things more cognitively may find it helpful to get involved in advocacy, planning a memorial, or reading books on grief. While someone who is more of a creative thinker may find comfort in creating art that expresses their emotions, journaling, or writing a letter to the person they have lost.
Finding coping mechanisms that can help you make meaning from your loss and provide you with a new purpose can be very, very healing. “We want people to recognize that there are so many different ways to cope and the best thing to do is think about yourself: What are my strengths? What are my preferences? What are my resources?” says Eleanor.
Coping with anticipatory vs. unexpected grief
“Anticipated losses often allow our brains to start creating a space to imagine what the world might look like without that person,” says Litsa. “You can start to imagine the feelings that might come and create a space to do what we call Anticipatory Grief, which is to start processing the loss before it happens.” However, the looming loss can still impact you more than you expected. And in some cases it can trigger more shock for someone who thought they prepared because the reality of the world without their loved versus the idea of a world without that person is so different.
With unexpected losses, our brains haven’t created that space where we’ve tried to imagine a world without that person: It comes with shock, disbelief and overwhelm as our brains try to catch up to those things that it didn’t get to prepare for in advance.
What not to say to someone who is grieving
When it comes to providing support for someone who is grieving, don’t try to find a silver lining. “Stay away from anything that begins with the words ‘at least’, because ‘at least’ is looking for some sort of silver lining or positive in the situation. And just because the comment may be true (or true someday), it doesn’t mean that someone is ready to hear it or that it is helpful in the moment,” reminds Eleanor.
It’s also important to understand the difference between providing comfort vs. support. Comfort is our attempt to take away pain. It’s our desire to find a silver lining because we’re trying to bypass pain and get to a place where your loved one will start to feel better. But someone who provides support is there to lean on. They walk with the griever without trying to change, suppress them or find their meaning for them.
Litsa points out that sometimes people worry about bringing up the person who died, an anniversary, or sharing a story, but that can often be the most helpful and comforting thing to do. “That’s the kind of gesture that shows people that you’re there for them for the long term, that you want to be there to remember their loved one, and that you’re not just there for the first couple of weeks or months after a loss when everyone tends to show up. Be the person who sticks around long term who is still checking in a year later, five years later, ten years later.”
Eleanor also suggests getting comfortable with silence and not having anything to say. Don’t feel the need to always fill that silence. You might attempt to comfort your loved one by trying to relate to their pain, but that doesn’t always land well with the person who is grieving.
Getting comfortable talking about loss, as a griever and a supporter
“Grief is figuring out how to have an ongoing relationship with a person who has died,” says Litsa. “That means that we’re figuring out how to still talk about them, remember them and live a life that’s still informed so much by their presence in our life. We need to remember that that’s a good thing.”
Even when we get to the best place with our grief it can still be hard, painful and bittersweet. But connection is often what we’re striving for, not disconnection, and the best way to convey that to the people who want to help is to tell them exactly what you need. Lista says when you’re direct about what you need from others—whether it’s a hug, a vent, or a cry—it allows them to show up the way that you need them to.
It helps to express that you don’t need someone to fix that pain or take away the bitter part of bittersweet...that’s just always going to be there.
How to deal with loss during a pandemic
A lot of people are unable to have the types of memorials, services, rituals and support groups that they normally would have if it weren’t for the pandemic. Eleanor also notes that our current isolated world can also bring up past losses or non-death losses for a lot of people, which is perfectly normal.
“We encourage people to have an open mind for things you may not have considered before”, says Eleanor. Things like online or virtual therapy, virtual support groups, journaling, or artistic expression through painting, writing or creating can help you cope while social distancing.
Eleanor and Litsa also recommend their free 10 Day Coping With Grief Challenge to help you discover new coping skills from the comfort of your own home.
After losing multiple loved ones during COVID, Litsa found that reaching out to people who were grieving the same loss as her was helpful for her process. If you are unable to have a funeral or service for your loved one, you may be yearning for connection and conversations with others who are remembering the same person. Litsa suggests reaching out to friends-of-friends to your loved one, even if you’re not that close, and saying: “Hey, I’m feeling really sad and missing [this person] today, and I need somebody to talk to about that.”
“Sometimes when we’re vulnerable, struggling and grieving, we limit things to our inner circle of people,” says Litsa. “But especially in moments like this when the world is more disconnected than ever and we don’t have those same grieving rituals, I think it can be really important to open your mind about who might be a support to you that you haven’t thought about.”
How to survive the holidays when you’re grieving
One of the most difficult things to process when dealing with a loss is coping with the picture that we had created in our minds of what our life was supposed to look like. What our holidays, weddings, family, and special occasions should look like. “But one of the things that happens after a loss is that all of that is disrupted. We’re grieving the future that we thought we were going to have,” says Litsa.
To cope with grief during these special events and holidays, Lista suggests trying to shift your mindset to acknowledged both the loss of our expectations, while also being able to say to yourself, “just because it’s not what I imagined, doesn’t mean that it can’t still be good, meaningful, and filled with love, while also still being filled with loss, sadness and a bittersweet want for what we thought it would be.”
Litsa reminds us that we can carry both of those things together: “If we can go into the holidays or special milestones knowing that that’s what we’re trying to do, it can at least help give you permission for the fact that there will be tears and difficult moments on days that we thought would be wholly joyful. And there will still be lots of joy and we should give ourselves permission and space to feel both things.”
Identifying and managing grief triggers
The first place to start when trying to manage your grief triggers is to acknowledge that they are going to happen. While there may be times when you’ll want to try to avoid them (AKA at work), in general Litsa and Eleanor don’t recommend trying to close yourself off from all of your grief triggers. “When you do that you end up closing yourself off from your loved one”, says Eleanor.
“We often see that the intensity of these experiences diminish over time. So something may cause a sting of sadness, but they also might have a little more warmth to them, comfort, or a continued bond,” says Eleanor. It’s important to create space for both of those emotions and to understand that it is perfectly normal to feel sadness and connection at once.
Litsa also talks about creating “grief space”—a set time and space dedicated to your own grief. Having a set time to manage your grief allows you to set those overwhelming and unmanageable feelings aside in a healthy way and come back to them later when you have the time to unpack them.
Doing this regularly allows you to practise feeling your emotions rather than shutting them out so you can gain more control when triggers do pop up. And it’s not that it gets easier or that the grief goes away—you just get stronger and develop the tools to manage it and integrate your loss into your daily life as you move forward.
Finding balance between grieving and living life again
It can be difficult to balance feeling your grief and jumping back to living your life again. That’s why Litsa is a big fan of the dual process model of grief. One of the underpinnings of this model is that grieving and getting back to your normal routine happen alongside each other. “Part of grief is taking a break from grief”, says Litsa. “It’s creating those spaces to set it aside for a while and engage in healthy avoidance.”
Eleanor reminds us that grief is forever, and our relationship with grief changes over time. “We often think we have to feel pain all the time or we’re forgetting or betraying our loved one, but that’s not the case. Take a break from grief. Have moments of laughter and joy. These are not betrayals.”
Why alcohol and grief aren’t always bffs
“For some people alcohol and other substances can be either numb or intensify their emotions, and it can affect you in different ways”, says Litsa. “One of the things that we know about alcohol and how it affects the brian is that it quiets down the anxiety center of our brain which keeps our emotions in check. When we quiet that down, suddenly our emotions come out more and can be more intensified.”
Litsa stresses that this is why it’s so important to carve out time to deal with any feelings you may be pushing down or repressing. The more we give space to those feelings, the less likely they will come out in an unhealthy way when drinking.
We hope that this episode helps you find ways to cope with whatever you’re experiencing. If you ever need support, know that you can reach out to us.
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
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Episode 16: How To Have a Healthy Relationship Right Now - Part 2
The course of true love never did run smooth (preach, Shakespeare!), so today we’re diving into part two of our relationship interview with couples and family therapist Liz Earnshaw.
The course of true love never did run smooth (preach, Shakespeare!), so today we’re diving into part two of our relationship interview with couples and family therapist Liz Earnshaw. If you missed part one, be sure to check out episode 13 where we dive into how couples can deal with Covid whether they’re quarantining together or doing long distance.
Today we’re talking common relationship issues, power struggles that can crop up in conflict, improving your communication skills, and how to seek or offer support when one partner is struggling with mental health. Honestly, our conversation with Liz truly improved our communication styles with our own partners, family and friends, and we can’t wait to share it with you.
Liz is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia. She helps her clients and hundreds of thousands of social media followers develop healthier relationships everyday, navigating issues like betrayal, grief, loss, and trauma, while teaching the art of communication. You also might’ve seen her on Instagram where she shares incredibly valuable relationship advice and therapy strategies on her account @lizlistens.
Check out Part 2 of our relationship deep dive for Liz’s MAJOR truth bombs on boundaries, conflict and communication!
What are the most common issues couples seek therapy for?
According to Liz, most people come in with communication issues, which usually means a thousand different things from navigating betrayal, to learning how to actually listen to legit incompatibility.
The four power struggles in conflict
Liz says there are four main power struggles that couples face in conflict and communication: “A power struggle clearly looks like a pulling back and forth. There’s somebody who’s pursuing something and another person who is pulling away.”
Power struggles can happen when...
The conflict is so scary, the distancing person is worried that if they engage, it’s going to make the relationship worse. They fear they’ll lose the connection if they “go there.” The person pursuing the connection is scared of the same things, but they fear that if they don’t talk about their issues now, they won’t be able to fix them. So while one is trying to preserve connection by preventing the conversation, the other thinks they’ll lose everything if they don’t address the problem.
When one person feels like their autonomy is being threatened, they pull back, and their partner feels threatened so they pursue connection. But the other person is pulling back because they really do want space and need time to themself. Liz says the “never go to bed angry” quote is actually the worst advice, because oftentimes the person who wants to go to bed is telling you very clearly, “this isn’t going to go anywhere good. I need space, or I'm freaked out that I'm going to explode in this conversation.” That advice perpetuates the pursuer to believe they can’t go to bed without a resolution, so they keep going. The best thing you can do in that dynamic, is to learn to take on the dynamic of the other person. So if the other person pulls away, let them take their space and allow them to come back when they are ready.
Sometimes our conflict brings up shame, and people respond differently to shame. “A fight over an overdue water bill can be stemmed from shame if it’s late because your partner’s salary was reduced,” explains Liz. When shame is at the root of the issue, it’s really important to see what’s going on and be able to offer safety within that. “Instead of criticizing, which just creates more shame, be vulnerable [and ask what’s going on]. You can still have boundaries while being gentle around that shame.”
The last conflict relates to punishment: We get into power struggles if we believe someone deserves it. “They cheated on me, so they deserve it. They had it coming to them because they hurt me.” The pursuer (the person who was hurt in this case) may believe the betrayer has no right to take space, and if it sucks for their partner, too bad: “I’m punishing you because I’m still really angry.”
How do you avoid the punishment power struggle when you’ve been hurt?
“When there’s been a betrayal in the relationship—anything outside of what you thought your relationship contract was, so not just affairs, but when someone hurts you outside of what the commitment was—the person that did the betraying may receive a lot of punishment and anger,” Liz explains. She tells people dealing with betrayal: “It’s your job right now to make amends, to listen to the pain, to apologize. These are hard things to do, but you have to do it and you have to try a lot of trust-building behaviour.”
“I often compare it to a bank account,” says Liz. “When your bank account was healthy, it didn’t matter if you took $100 out, but the betrayal took all of the money out, plus $100, and now there’s an overdraft fee. It won’t be like this forever, but for a little bit, you do have to pay the $100 back and you have to pay a $30 overdraft.”
To the person who has been hurt, Liz says, “I know you’re angry and you have every right to maintain boundaries, be angry and to request certain things. But just like the bank isn’t allowed to give 10 overdraft fees a day, you can’t do that either. Because if you do it, just like with a bank, the person will never be able to pay themselves out of the hole. So if you tell your partner [how to make things better], and then you move the goalpost again, it’s never going to work.”
Liz says to be very clear about the things that you need to recover from the betrayal. If you are going to move the “goalpost” of your expectations from your partner, you have to be clear about why they are changing and communicate your feelings, boundaries and needs fairly. “Because if you combat one betrayal with another betrayal of disrespect and contempt, then the relationship falls apart even more. And that is where couples get really stuck,” warns Liz.
How to set healthy boundaries
Liz recommends sitting down together and checking in on how things are going regularly, so you don’t have to unilaterally come up with boundaries as issues arise. “Allow yourself to be very open...you can say: It’s been going okay, but you know what’s been really hard for me? When the TV is on really loud late at night and I’m trying to get to sleep. I really need a quiet space in the bedroom.”
Talk about how you can create a win-win situation, because if you’re really working together, all of your boundaries can actually be about things that will create win-wins for both of you. “You want to state things in what we call a positive need. A positive need is saying what you do want,” Liz explains. “So when you set boundaries, say what you do want. Telling someone what you don't want isn’t usually very effective.”
Liz suggests trying an approach like, “I really want to go to sleep by 10pm” rather than “I don’t want you to leave the TV on all night.” That helps everyone understand the end goal, and it avoids starting a debate about the things that you don’t want.
We hope that you enjoyed part 2 of our convo with Liz, and that your relationships are thriving!
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
Connect with Liz here:
Related Episodes:
Episode 13: How To Have a Healthy Relationship Right Now
If you’ve got love on the brain, and you’re crazy in love, but it’s killing you softly, this one’s for you! This week we’re talking about relationships: The struggles couples are facing right now, communication strategies to help improve things, and what we’ve learned about our own relationships in quarantine!
If you’ve got love on the brain, and you’re crazy in love, but it’s killing you softly, this one’s for you! This week we’re talking about relationships: The struggles couples are facing right now, communication strategies to help improve things, and what we’ve learned about our own relationships in quarantine!
Couples are navigating totally new and unprecedented stressors in their relationships right now, whether they are stuck quarantining together 24/7, isolating far apart in a distanced relationship, dealing with parenting, or coping with financial and career stress. And it’s more important than ever to come at these new challenges as a team, to have super strong communication, and to still find ways to enjoy a fun and loving relationship together.
We called in relationship therapist Liz Earnshaw, who helps her clients and hundreds of thousands of social media followers develop healthier relationships everyday. Liz is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia. She helps couples through issues like betrayal, grief, loss, and trauma, while teaching the art of communication. You also might’ve seen her on Instagram where she shares incredibly valuable relationship advice and therapy strategies on her account @lizlistens.
Read on for Part 1 of our relationship deep dive, and tune back in for Part 2 of the episode in two weeks, where we chat about managing conflict and more communication tips! Here’s Liz’s advice for successfully navigating your relationship, so you can have a happy partnership no matter what’s going on in the world right now!
How can you maintain a healthy relationship when you’re dealing with long distance?
When it comes to long distance relationships, especially during COVID, Liz recommends three strategies that you can do as a couple to help your relationship thrive:
1. Find ways to stay ritualized with each other.
Since you may not be able to plan your next visit, what else can you depend on to keep the love going? Liz suggests creating rituals such as every Friday night at 6pm you watch a movie together virtually, or every morning you send each other a ‘Good Morning’ text. Find ways to create fun, reinforcing routines together and then be super diligent at following through with them.
2. Be responsive. “If you’re really far apart you need extra responsiveness than you would if you were together,” says Liz. “You don’t get to see the non-verbal responses, the non-verbal signals. You don’t see the person passing by your office down the hallway, and you don’t really know if they’re there.” Liz recommends finding realistic ways for you both to create as much secure attachment as you can, such as messaging each other back promptly when apart so your partner knows you’re there. And if one partner is voicing their concerns or stresses about the relationship, it helps if the other partner validates their concerns and is verbally responsive to any stress their partner may be going through. “Giving them some validity to their experience is important,” Liz says.
3. Find ways to still dream together. Even though it’s hard to plan trips and fun future activities right now, you can still find ways to dream together, Liz reminds us. “We are living in survival mode mostly right now, but the thing that makes life feel good and beautiful is being out of that...you might not know when you’re going to take that vacation, but can you still send emails back and forth about how beautiful Iceland is.”
How can couples thrive when self-isolating together 24/7?
If you’re living with your partner right now, Liz notes that a lot of the same advice still applies. Dreaming together and creating rituals is still so important, and creating time that is just relationship-time and not work-time is important, says Liz.
The biggest thing to keep in mind when you’re spending a lot of time together is how respectful you are being of one another. Liz recommends thinking about your relationship as if you were roommates: How you would want to be treated, and how would you treat your roommate? “[In] normal times you might only see each other a few hours a day, and the little quirks of leaving a sock somewhere or forgetting about the dishes is not a big deal because you’re in the house for three hours,” says Liz. “But if you’re in your house all day long with another person and you’re not showing manners towards each other, that’s going to be very problematic. It’s going to light a fuse that might be very long, but eventually will become very short.”
Another helpful tip to remember when you’re cooped up with your boo, is that responsiveness is still super important. If your partner is experiencing stress and you have too much on your plate to help them, instead of dismissing them, Liz recommends having an open and honest conversation with your partner so they know that now is not a good time, and establishing in advance what that conversation looks like so feelings aren’t hurt. Liz suggests starting a polite conversation such as, “Hey babe, when we’re both stressed can we agree that if one of us can’t hear it, this is what we’ll say…”.
How couples can use this time to reconnect and improve their relationship
Sometimes the best place to start is reconnecting with yourself first. “It’s actually much easier to be intentional about connecting when you also know the ways in which you’re going to get your own time,” says Liz. “If people don’t have their own free time then it starts to bleed into connection time.” Carving out time for you will make the time that you spend with your partner much more intentional, and intentionality can be key for quality time spent together. Pick the times that are relationship times, and give your partner all of your attention without distractions.
How can you communicate better with your partner, especially during a conflict
We’ve all heard that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but communicating effectively while in an argument is what can make or break a healthy relationship. Liz recommends learning about The Four Horsemen, a term coined by psychologist and relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman has been studying couples for almost four decades, and has revolutionized the study of marriage by identifying couples who are “Masters” or “Disasters” at navigating the Four Horsemen in a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. “Once you see these things in your relationship, you really want to figure out how [you] can shift out of them,” warns Liz.
But here’s the good news: “In all of his research, he found that people can change. A couple who is using all of these things and has become a Disaster can become a Master if they replace their behaviours,” says Liz. Here’s what Liz had to say about identifying the Four Horsemen and the the antidote to each one:
Criticism: You can recognize Criticism if you or your partner take a problem and place it inside of the other person. “You can catch yourself being critical if you are using the words “always” or never,” notes Liz.
Example: You come home from work and you’re upset that there are dishes in the sink. The problem is the dishes and how the dishes are being handled, but if you’re being critical you might say to your partner, “You are always sitting on the couch when I get in the door!”
The Antidote: Liz recommends replacing Criticism with something called A Gentle Start Up. “You start the conversation gently, because the research shows that the first three minutes of a conversation determine the direction.”
Example: Instead of criticizing your partner for not doing the dishes, you can start by saying, “Babe, can we talk? When I come in at the end of the day and see dishes in the sink, it makes me feel stressed and frustrated, and I need us to come up with a solution.”
Defensiveness: You can recognize Defensiveness if you or your partner victimize yourselves, and reverse the blame on each other when you are in an argument.
Example: If you’re being defensive, your response to your partner criticizing you about the dishes might be, “Well when do you expect me to clean the dishes? I was busy all day while you were out. And when are YOU going to take your car to get fixed? You said you would do that last week!”
The Antidote: The best way to combat Defensiveness is to learn how to take responsibility for your part.
Example: Instead of finding ways to turn the argument on your partner when they have criticized you about the dishes, Liz suggests to take responsibility for the smallest part that is true. “This might look like saying, ‘You are right. The sink is a disaster’ or ‘I hear you. I know you’re tired that the house is a mess right now and you’re right I didn’t clean the dishes’. The key is owning the piece that you are responsible for.”
Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs “when somebody gets so flooded in a conversation, and too many emotions come up for them that their body actually physically shuts down,” says Liz. When Stonewallers are hooked up to machines, they often have a heart rate that’s elevator to 110 beats per minute or more, and the body releases the same hormones as when it’s in fight or flight mode. “Their body just shuts down and they can’t access the part of their brain that allows for conversation. They can only access the part that will let them run away.”
Example: You can recognize Stonewalling in your partner if they are withdrawing from or avoiding the argument. Liz also notes that you may notice that your partner is kicking their foot nervously, or they cross their arms across their body and have a blank stare, because they are psychologically trying to soothe themselves.
The Antidote: The best way to combat Stonewalling is learning how to Self-Sooth, says Liz. Taking a moment to tell your partner, “I’m feeling very flooded. I don’t know what’s going on. I love you, I just need a break,” will allow you to come back to things when you’re in a better state to work it out constructively. “Letting the other person know that you love them and letting them know that you’re still there is an antidote to Stonewalling,” says Liz.
Contempt: The final and fourth Horsemen is the most detrimental of them all. “When there is Contempt in a relationship, it’s really a sign that the relationship is in a harmful space. It is criticism supercharged and it can verge on abuse or become abuse,” warns Liz.
Example: Liz notes that Contempt shows up when we have “superiority in our voice, condescension, belittling, and we do things that hit below the belt.” Another way to recognize contempt is by noticing your partner’s facial expressions. “It’s the only unilateral facial expression,” explains Liz, “When we have contempt we only use one side of our face...when people feel contempt they cannot hide it. It’s very powerful.”
The Antidote: You can combat Contempt by getting clear on what you’re really upset about. Is there a deep rooted betrayal or resentment that has turned into Contempt? This one requires a lot of deep work to recognize what triggers you and what you need to work on personally so that you can still treat your partner with respect. Gottman’s research also recommends combating Contempt by reminding yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and finding gratitude in them.
“[Understanding these] is a great adult hack because once you know it’s only four behaviours [that] are not going to do any good to your relationship, it’s a lot easier to pick them out,” notes Liz. If you recognize when you or your partner are showing signs of the four behaviours, you can make shifts to combat them. “Doing those little shifts can make huge differences in the way that you communicate.”
How to handle the general uncertainty of the current economy, workforce and state of the world as a team
Stressful times are either going to bring you and your partner together, or serve as the fuse that leads to what Liz calls ‘The Big Bang’. “[Couples] are going to have this amazing experience with each other, of coming together during a stressful, traumatic event. And they are going to look back at this as something that is an anchor to them [and] created really strong roots to their relationship,” says Liz. “And then there are other couples that are going to experience what I like to call ‘The Big Bang’, which is when there is a really stressful experience and your partner doesn’t respond very well, or you don’t respond well as a couple, and even though it doesn’t cause the end of the relationship in that moment, it’s kind of like The Big Bang where over time the relationship is going to go extinct. Because the pain of how something was responded to when you really needed your partner isn’t overcome.”
To avoid ‘The Big Bang’, Liz recommends creating secure attachments with your partner. Ask yourself: “How are you showing your partner that you’ve got their back and that you are their ally?”
And on the flipside, we also need to be very mindful of how we are bringing ourselves into our relationships, notes Liz. It’s important to lean on your partner in times of stress, but it’s just as important to recognize the impact that it can have on our partner over time. Liz suggests to find other outlets so that you can balance being there for your partner and also being there for yourself. Things like journaling, reading, talking to friends or speaking with a therapist are healthy ways to cope if your partner needs a break.
We hope that our convo with Liz helps you and your partner deal with whatever life throws at your relationship! Stay tuned for Part 2 with Liz two weeks from now where we dive into setting boundaries, overcoming power struggles and more!
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
Connect with Liz here: