Episode 23: How to Champion a Diverse & Inclusive Workplace

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Diversity shouldn’t be a trend, it should be a standard.

We had the privilege of talking with Karlyn Percil about the racial pandemic we’re still facing, and the state of diversity and equality in the workplace, and what we can do to make businesses more inclusive. 

Because equitable work is a key to breaking the cycle of oppression, and the right to earn a living in a safe, inclusive workplace is a basic human right.

In this episode, we learned how to use emotional intelligence and positive psychology to help create equal opportunities for BIPOC employees, to shift hiring practices and dated work cultures, and to eliminate harmful microaggressions that prevent employees from feeling safe enough to bring their whole selves to work.

While it is 100% *our* job as white women to educate ourselves on systemic racism and how to be an anti-racist ally, we’re so grateful that Certified Emotional Intelligence and Neuro-Life Coach Karlyn Percil spent time chatting with us about how to leverage bravery, leadership, empathy and vulnerability to create more equitable and safe workplaces for BIPOC communities. 

Karlyn has dedicated her career to increasing emotional intelligence in the workforce and helping corporations plan and execute Diversity, Equity and Inclusion strategies. She’s the CEO of KDPM Consulting, the Founder of SisterTalk Group, and she spreads her infectiously positive and empowering mindset tools on talk shows like CityLine, on CBC and in the pages of Forbes and Refinery29.

Listen to our chat with Karlyn to learn more about: 

• The current state of racial diversity in the workplace: 2:05

• Changes you can make right now to promote inclusivity and diversity at work: 3:00

• Why corporate “Listening and Learning” sessions are missing the mark, and how to improve them: 15:35

• The reality of changing “company culture”: 21:39

• What microaggressions sound like and how to take accountability: 22:30

• Why you will 100% screw up on your anti-racism journey, and why you should keep going out of your comfort zone: 24:28

• Using emotional intelligence to examine defensiveness, shame and fear: 30:16

• How to be a better ally through Karlyn’s LEAP strategy: 31:30

• The hiring practices that ensure inclusivity and equity: 36:10

• How to respond to racial injustice and getting “called in” on social media: 51:08

We hope this episode inspires you to take action in your workplace and further your journey to becoming an ally.

Follow Karlyn:

karlynpercil.com

instagram.com/karlynpercil

linkedin.com/karlynpercil/

twitter.com/KarlynPercil

KDPM Consulting Group

Get Karlyn’s 2021 Success Planner!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

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Related Episodes:

Episode 22: How to Be A Morning Person

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Welcome to this week's Quickie, our super fast take on all the adulting things that matter to you. This week, we’re diving into *realistic* tips on how you can become a morning person with an AM routine that works for you.

We all know that research shows having a productive routine in the morning can set the stage for success. So we did our homework and researched the routines of successful, high-achieving women we love, and five science-backed ways to create a morning routine that works for YOU.

But let’s be real, mornings are not for everyone. So this won’t be a preachy episode where we tell you how perfect our morning routines are, because we’re not robots, and mornings are tough. But If you’re listening to this, it’s probably because you want to hack your AM routine and be a bit more of a morning person. 

So listen to our chat to learn more about:

• 😴Debunking the shame around not being an early riser: 1:55

• 💃Celebrity morning routines we love, from Pryanka Chopra Jonas to Oprah: 3:30

• 👯‍♀️Our current morning routine tricks and hacks: 8:45

• 👩‍🔬5 science-backed tips for creating your perfect morning routine: 10:54
  

We hope that this episode helps you find a morning routine that works for you!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

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Episode 21: How to Cultivate Resilience and Master Your Mindset

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It seems like pivot and resiliency are the hottest buzzwords of 2020. After all, change and adversity are the only constant in this life, and if this year has taught us anything, it’s that the more you focus on building a solid foundation
within yourself, the more external chaos you can handle. 

Shifting our mindsets, perception and reactions is far from easy, but that’s the key to healthily recovering from turmoil and trauma. So, we called in mindset and success coach Leisse Wilcox to teach us everything we need to know about how to cultivate mental resilience and turn whatever life throws at you into a beautiful story. 

And Leisse is not just your average coach. She is a coveted mindset coach, podcast host, AND bestselling author, who is changing the global conversation on emotional health & wellness. She literally wrote the book on turning adversity into opportunities for growth, joy and beauty. 

Listen to our chat with Leisse to learn more about:

• 👊 Our tools for bouncing back from adversity: 2:08

• 🙇🏽‍♀️ Why your mindset matters: 8:50

• ✨ The meaning of emotional alchemy (turning the dark and heavy pieces of your life into something beautiful and light): 10:37

• 🔟 Leisse’s 10 steps to cultivating emotional alchemy: 13:11 

• 😬 How to avoid toxic positivity and *actually* deal with your sh*t: 25:46

• 🤗 Ways to process and feel your feelings: 28:33

• 💃 How to make a difficult life change with grit and grace: 30:31 

• 💆🏾‍♀️The importance of staying in the present moment and “zooming out”: 34:27

• 🙏Why gratitude is the key to mindset: 38:52

We hope this episode helps you harness resilience and a positive perspective to deal with whatever life throws at you.

Follow Leisse:

leissewilcox.ca/

instagram.com/leissewilcox/

Get her AMAZING book: To Call Myself Beloved

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

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Related Episodes:

Episode 20: How to Navigate the News Right Now

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Welcome to this week's Quickie, our super fast take on all the adulting things that matter to you. This week, we’re diving into something we all need help with right now... how to navigate the news responsibly, while protecting our mental health. 

With COVID-19 numbers surging around the world, the upcoming US election, and the onslaught of disasters that 2020 has served up, there is more news being consumed than ever before, and it can be seriously overwhelming trying to stay up to date with accurate info, without going crazy. So we did our homework on how you can stay informed without sacrificing your sanity. 

Listen to our chat to learn more about:

• 🧐 The importance of reading beyond the headlines & fact checking: 2:00

• 👥 How to avoid confirmation bias and learn all sides to a story: 2:45

• ⚖️ Identifying innate biases in the media: 4:12

• 👩‍🏫 Finding sources that *explain* the news, rather than just breaking it: 6:13

• 📱✉️ Different ways to consume the news that work for YOUR lifestyle: 8:42

• 🙅🏾‍♀️ Drawing boundaries on your media intake for your mental health: 11:27

• 🤗 Good news resources for when you need a smile: 14:46

• 🙀How to stay up to date with COVID without having anxiety: 16:02

We hope that these tips help you stay informed and navigate the hectic news we’re surrounded by these days responsibly and healthily.

Fact Checking Resource: https://www.snopes.com/

Media Outlet Bias Check: https://mediabiasfactcheck.com

The Media Bias Chart: https://www.adfontesmedia.com/

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

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Related Episodes:

Episode 19: How To Bounce Back From A Layoff

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Businesses of all sizes have taken a ROUGH hit in 2020, and unstable employment is a stressor for everyone right now. So today we’re talking about how to bounce back from a layoff and what to do if it happens to you, with the help of Latesha Byrd, a certified career coach, talent development consultant, Google Digital Coach, and CEO of Byrd Career Consulting. 

Whether you’ve been laid off due to COVID, industry shifts, or company restructuring, remember that you are not to blame, and you’re so much more than what you do from 9-5. The best way to bounce back is with a solid strategy: You can start by identifying your purpose, getting intentional about job applications, and as Latesha says, “staying ready so you don’t have to get ready.”

Listen to our chat with Latesha to learn more about:

• 👯‍♀️ Our experience with how to handle a layoff: 2:40

• 👩🏾‍💻 Latesha’s journey to Byrd Career Consulting: 17:27

• 🔑 3 key things to do after you’ve been laid off: 19:00

• 🙌 How to mentally bounce back from job loss: 21:59 

• 💃🏽 How to gain your confidence back: 24:18

• 💼 Why you need a “Career Readiness Toolkit”: 26:36

• 💻 How to grow your network: 28:44

• 😬 How to address your layoff in an interview: 32:01

• ✅ 3 important traits that all top talent have: 34:37

• 🤔 Important questions to ask in an interview: 37:18

• 🤝 How to ask companies about their diversity & inclusivity policies: 40:14

• 🗣 Using LinkedIn to build your personal brand: 41:11
  

We hope that this episode motivates you to bounce back and find your next dream career!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Follow Latesha:

Instagram: @latesha_byrd

Twitter: @Latesha_Byrd 

https://www.lateshabyrd.com/ 

Latesha’s Career Chasers Membership Club

www.careerchasersclub.com/ 

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Episode 18: How To Cope With Grief and Loss

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This week’s topic is a tough one, but it’s something that we’ll all have to navigate at some point in our lives, even though most of us feel totally unequipped to cope with it. We’re talking about grief, with the help of mental health professionals Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams, the founders of popular website and podcast What’s Your Grief.

Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, the general uncertainty of the pandemic, job loss, a breakup, a difficult diagnosis, or the loss of connection with the people you love, you might be experiencing grief in ways you didn’t even realize.

How we’ve coped with grief and loss

For Gillian, the recent loss of her incredible Grandma left her feeling overwhelmed with grief and emptiness, leading up to and after her death. While she’s still processing her loss, she’s working to keep her memories alive, and she’s found some helpful ways to cope:

• Creating new rituals with her family to remember and honour her Grandma on special occasions 

• Baking her Grandma’s famous recipes

• Talking about her grief with friends and family

• Learning how to stop shutting out her memories, and rewriting the painful ones with positive thoughts

For Cailyn, the loss of her Opa and the diagnosis of a close relative had her spiral into waves of grief. She’s found ways to cope by:

• Carving out set times for her to feel her grief

• Watching happy upbeat content—laughter is the best medicine! 

• Sleep, exercise, eating well and going on walks with her dog

• Opening up to her husband and close friends when she needs to talk, cry or vent

How to identify your individual grief coping style

Tapping into your individual coping style can be really helpful as you figure out how to cope. The first step is to acknowledge that there is more than one way of grieving. Eleanor reminds us that grief is different for everyone: “We think of grief as mostly being an emotional experience, but the reality is that it’s more than that. It’s cognitive, physical, and spiritual. It’s all sorts of different types of experiences.” 

You can start by thinking about who you are, what coping mechanisms have worked for you in the past, and have an open mind about things that you think might be helpful for you. For example, someone who processes things more cognitively may find it helpful to get involved in advocacy, planning a memorial, or reading books on grief. While someone who is more of a creative thinker may find comfort in creating art that expresses their emotions, journaling, or writing a letter to the person they have lost.

Finding coping mechanisms that can help you make meaning from your loss and provide you with a new purpose can be very, very healing. “We want people to recognize that there are so many different ways to cope and the best thing to do is think about yourself: What are my strengths? What are my preferences? What are my resources?” says Eleanor.

Coping with anticipatory vs. unexpected grief

“Anticipated losses often allow our brains to start creating a space to imagine what the world might look like without that person,” says Litsa. “You can start to imagine the feelings that might come and create a space to do what we call Anticipatory Grief, which is to start processing the loss before it happens.” However, the looming loss can still impact you more than you expected. And in some cases it can trigger more shock for someone who thought they prepared because the reality of the world without their loved versus the idea of a world without that person is so different.

With unexpected losses, our brains haven’t created that space where we’ve tried to imagine a world without that person: It comes with shock, disbelief and overwhelm as our brains try to catch up to those things that it didn’t get to prepare for in advance. 

What not to say to someone who is grieving

 When it comes to providing support for someone who is grieving, don’t try to find a silver lining. “Stay away from anything that begins with the words ‘at least’, because ‘at least’ is looking for some sort of silver lining or positive in the situation. And just because the comment may be true (or true someday), it doesn’t mean that someone is ready to hear it or that it is helpful in the moment,” reminds Eleanor.

It’s also important to understand the difference between providing comfort vs. support. Comfort is our attempt to take away pain. It’s our desire to find a silver lining because we’re trying to bypass pain and get to a place where your loved one will start to feel better. But someone who provides support is there to lean on. They walk with the griever without trying to change, suppress them or find their meaning for them.

Litsa points out that sometimes people worry about bringing up the person who died, an anniversary, or sharing a story, but that can often be the most helpful and comforting thing to do. “That’s the kind of gesture that shows people that you’re there for them for the long term, that you want to be there to remember their loved one, and that you’re not just there for the first couple of weeks or months after a loss when everyone tends to show up. Be the person who sticks around long term who is still checking in a year later, five years later, ten years later.”

Eleanor also suggests getting comfortable with silence and not having anything to say. Don’t feel the need to always fill that silence. You might attempt to comfort your loved one by trying to relate to their pain, but that doesn’t always land well with the person who is grieving.

Getting comfortable talking about loss, as a griever and a supporter

“Grief is figuring out how to have an ongoing relationship with a person who has died,” says Litsa. “That means that we’re figuring out how to still talk about them, remember them and live a life that’s still informed so much by their presence in our life. We need to remember that that’s a good thing.”

Even when we get to the best place with our grief it can still be hard, painful and bittersweet. But connection is often what we’re striving for, not disconnection, and the best way to convey that to the people who want to help is to tell them exactly what you need. Lista says when you’re direct about what you need from others—whether it’s a hug, a vent, or a cry—it allows them to show up the way that you need them to. 

It helps to express that you don’t need someone to fix that pain or take away the bitter part of bittersweet...that’s just always going to be there. 

How to deal with loss during a pandemic

A lot of people are unable to have the types of memorials, services, rituals and support groups that they normally would have if it weren’t for the pandemic. Eleanor also notes that our current isolated world can also bring up past losses or non-death losses for a lot of people, which is perfectly normal.

“We encourage people to have an open mind for things you may not have considered before”, says Eleanor. Things like online or virtual therapy, virtual support groups, journaling, or artistic expression through painting, writing or creating can help you cope while social distancing.

Eleanor and Litsa also recommend their free 10 Day Coping With Grief Challenge to help you discover new coping skills from the comfort of your own home. 

After losing multiple loved ones during COVID, Litsa found that reaching out to people who were grieving the same loss as her was helpful for her process. If you are unable to have a funeral or service for your loved one, you may be yearning for connection and conversations with others who are remembering the same person. Litsa suggests reaching out to friends-of-friends to your loved one, even if you’re not that close, and saying: “Hey, I’m feeling really sad and missing [this person] today, and I need somebody to talk to about that.” 

“Sometimes when we’re vulnerable, struggling and grieving, we limit things to our inner circle of people,” says Litsa. “But especially in moments like this when the world is more disconnected than ever and we don’t have those same grieving rituals, I think it can be really important to open your mind about who might be a support to you that you haven’t thought about.”

How to survive the holidays when you’re grieving

One of the most difficult things to process when dealing with a loss is coping with the picture that we had created in our minds of what our life was supposed to look like. What our holidays, weddings, family, and special occasions should look like. “But one of the things that happens after a loss is that all of that is disrupted. We’re grieving the future that we thought we were going to have,” says Litsa. 

To cope with grief during these special events and holidays, Lista suggests trying to shift your mindset to acknowledged both the loss of our expectations, while also being able to say to yourself, “just because it’s not what I imagined, doesn’t mean that it can’t still be good, meaningful, and filled with love, while also still being filled with loss, sadness and a bittersweet want for what we thought it would be.” 

Litsa reminds us that we can carry both of those things together: “If we can go into the holidays or special milestones knowing that that’s what we’re trying to do, it can at least help give you permission for the fact that there will be tears and difficult moments on days that we thought would be wholly joyful. And there will still be lots of joy and we should give ourselves permission and space to feel both things.”

Identifying and managing grief triggers

The first place to start when trying to manage your grief triggers is to acknowledge that they are going to happen. While there may be times when you’ll want to try to avoid them (AKA at work), in general Litsa and Eleanor don’t recommend trying to close yourself off from all of your grief triggers. “When you do that you end up closing yourself off from your loved one”, says Eleanor. 

“We often see that the intensity of these experiences diminish over time. So something may cause a sting of sadness, but they also might have a little more warmth to them, comfort, or a continued bond,” says Eleanor. It’s important to create space for both of those emotions and to understand that it is perfectly normal to feel sadness and connection at once.

 Litsa also talks about creating “grief space”—a set time and space dedicated to your own grief. Having a set time to manage your grief allows you to set those overwhelming and unmanageable feelings aside in a healthy way and come back to them later when you have the time to unpack them.

Doing this regularly allows you to practise feeling your emotions rather than shutting them out so you can gain more control when triggers do pop up. And it’s not that it gets easier or that the grief goes away—you just get stronger and develop the tools to manage it and integrate your loss into your daily life as you move forward. 

Finding balance between grieving and living life again

It can be difficult to balance feeling your grief and jumping back to living your life again. That’s why Litsa is a big fan of the dual process model of grief. One of the underpinnings of this model is that grieving and getting back to your normal routine happen alongside each other. “Part of grief is taking a break from grief”, says Litsa. “It’s creating those spaces to set it aside for a while and engage in healthy avoidance.”

Eleanor reminds us that grief is forever, and our relationship with grief changes over time. “We often think we have to feel pain all the time or we’re forgetting or betraying our loved one, but that’s not the case. Take a break from grief. Have moments of laughter and joy. These are not betrayals.”

Why alcohol and grief aren’t always bffs

“For some people alcohol and other substances can be either numb or intensify their emotions, and it can affect you in different ways”, says Litsa. “One of the things that we know about alcohol and how it affects the brian is that it quiets down the anxiety center of our brain which keeps our emotions in check. When we quiet that down, suddenly our emotions come out more and can be more intensified.” 

 Litsa stresses that this is why it’s so important to carve out time to deal with any feelings you may be pushing down or repressing. The more we give space to those feelings, the less likely they will come out in an unhealthy way when drinking.

We hope that this episode helps you find ways to cope with whatever you’re experiencing. If you ever need support, know that you can reach out to us.

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Follow What’s Your Grief:

@whatsyourgrief

www.whatsyourgrief.com

Try the 10 day coping with grief challenge

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Related Episodes:

Episode 17: How To Pursue A Career You Love

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This week we’re diving into some serious career #RealTalk! Some of you have asked us how we got our start in the Media and Entertainment industry, so we’re bringing you the good, the bad and the ugly of how we got to where we are today, and our biggest career takeaways.

We know it’s a really tough time in the job market right now, and these days, just having a secure job is a blessing. But we hope this happy hour chat helps inspire you to always keep working towards what you’re passionate about, even if that just means networking more, listening to career advice podcasts, or starting to build up your side hustle. 

Gillian’s biggest lessons:

Never play small and always be yourself. Being unapologetically yourself in a role will allow you to grow and make a huge impact at a company. 

Always leave a company with grace and on a good note. You never know where you’ll end up or who you might need to call up for a job. The best thing you can do is leave with dignity, hard work, and solid relationships, because it will open up networking opportunities for the rest of your career.

Pursue your hobbies even if they aren’t directly related to your career. Passions create balance and help to make you a happier, more fulfilled person. Plus, all of those skills and qualities you learn from your hobbies will end up helping you in ways you never expected in your day job!

Learn when to say yes and when to say no. It’s okay to say yes to opportunities that aren’t your dream job if they will align you with the future that you want (Think: networking opportunities & new skills!). And on the flipside, saying no to the wrong opportunities (especially any soul-sucking bad fit offers) frees up space to say yes to the right ones when they come along.

Don’t take advice from people who haven’t been there. Everybody and their Aunt Sue will have opinions on your career, but if they’re not aligned with where you’re heading and what you’re trying to do, then they are in *no* position to weigh in. If you’re going to seek advice, pick credible, supportive sources who are in your industry and can help you along your path.

Work towards finding your purpose. The world and workforce is changing at an unprecedented rate, and that “dream job” you’re chasing may not exist by the time you get to it. Pursuing a purpose or a vocation instead of a “dream job” allows you to find the WHY that’s behind that “dream job”.  Ask yourself what it is that you truly value about the position you are striving for. For example, if you want to be the Editor-in-Chief of a magazine, is it telling incredible stories that fuels you the most? If so, find ways to pursue storytelling opportunities in any industry you enter. This small yet impactful mindset shift will keep you resilient, nimble, adaptable, and always working towards your underlying WHY.

Cailyn’s biggest lessons:

You’ll never feel qualified for your next role or promotion but trust us, you are. It is totally normal to feel uncertain when starting a new role or taking on a new project,  but remember that you were hired for a reason! So kiss that Impostor Syndrome goodbye and step into your new position with confidence!

Don’t let work become your life. No matter how much you think that promotion, title, or company will give you the validation you are looking for, it is likely going to be short lived and never worth your whole life. We’re both guilty of putting way too much importance on our career as the main source of our happiness and identity. But we now realize that true validation and happiness comes from yourself and all the stuff that happens outside of your job. Besides, what’s the point of working 24/7 when you can’t enjoy the life you’re working for?

People are everything. People are crucial to an organization and the more you empower your peers and team to thrive both at work and in their personal lives, the better results you are going to see for your business. It is also VERY important to treat everyone with respect, no matter what title they have, because you never know where people will end up and who you might need a favour one day.

Negotiate! Negotiate! Negotiate! You have to negotiate your salary and prove your worth when you are first coming into an organization, because it is so much harder to ask for more money once you’re in. We’ll be releasing  an episode on negotiation in the future, but in the meantime, DO NOT LEAVE MONEY ON THE TABLE! And remember that you can negotiate more than just your salary: If they won’t budge on your pay, negotiate more vacation, additional benefits, or a signing bonus. Fight for what you deserve.

The best career advice Gillian ever received:

Therapy helped Gillian learn to prioritize herself and never allow her identity and worth to be completely tied to a job. She was so passionate about previous jobs, that she put them before her own life and health and had no balance. So when she was laid off, her identity crumbled because she hadn’t focused on who she was without her career. Finally putting herself first allowed her to find her purpose and have the conviction to leave positions when she was in an environment that wasn’t a good fit for her.

The best career advice Cailyn ever received:

Cailyn’s career coach, Trevor Timbeck, gave her this advice when she was hesitant to go from being a people manager to an individual contributor in a new role: You don’t have to be a VP or manage a team to be a leader. Every day is an opportunity for you to show up as a leader whether you are managing a project, a campaign, an area of the business, or just a task for your boss. Take it as your opportunity to show what you can bring to the table. It’s like that Rachel Hollis quote, “Don’t compare your beginning to someone else's middle”. Shine in your own lane.

We hope you liked this solo episode and that it inspires you to keep pushing yourself to find the purpose behind your career journey!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

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Related Episodes:

Episode 16: How To Have a Healthy Relationship Right Now - Part 2

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The course of true love never did run smooth (preach, Shakespeare!), so today we’re diving into part two of our relationship interview with couples and family therapist Liz Earnshaw.  If you missed part one, be sure to check out episode 13 where we dive into how couples can deal with Covid whether they’re quarantining together or doing long distance.

Today we’re talking common relationship issues, power struggles that can crop up in conflict, improving your communication skills, and how to seek or offer support when one partner is struggling with mental health. Honestly, our conversation with Liz truly improved our communication styles with our own partners, family and friends, and we can’t wait to share it with you. 

Liz is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia. She helps her clients and hundreds of thousands of social media followers develop healthier relationships everyday, navigating issues like betrayal, grief, loss, and trauma, while teaching the art of communication. You also might’ve seen her on Instagram where she shares incredibly valuable relationship advice and therapy strategies on her account @lizlistens. 

Check out Part 2 of our relationship deep dive for Liz’s MAJOR truth bombs on boundaries, conflict and communication!

What are the most common issues couples seek therapy for? 

According to Liz, most people come in with communication issues, which usually means a thousand different things from navigating betrayal, to learning how to actually listen to legit incompatibility. 

The four power struggles in conflict

Liz says there are four main power struggles that couples face in conflict and communication: “A power struggle clearly looks like a pulling back and forth. There’s somebody who’s pursuing something and another person who is pulling away.” 

Power struggles can happen when...

1. The conflict is so scary, the distancing person is worried that if they engage, it’s going to make the relationship worse. They fear they’ll lose the connection if they “go there.” The person pursuing the connection is scared of the same things, but they fear that if they don’t talk about their issues now, they won’t be able to fix them. So while one is trying to preserve connection by preventing the conversation, the other thinks they’ll lose everything if they don’t address the problem. 

2. When one person feels like their autonomy is being threatened, they pull back, and their partner feels threatened so they pursue connection. But the other person is pulling back because they really do want space and need time to themself. Liz says the “never go to bed angry” quote is actually the worst advice, because oftentimes the person who wants to go to bed is telling you very clearly, “this isn’t going to go anywhere good. I need space, or I'm freaked out that I'm going to explode in this conversation.” That advice perpetuates the pursuer to believe they can’t go to bed without a resolution, so they keep going. The best thing you can do in that dynamic, is to learn to take on the dynamic of the other person. So if the other person pulls away, let them take their space and allow them to come back when they are ready.

3. Sometimes our conflict brings up shame, and people respond differently to shame. “A fight over an overdue water bill can be stemmed from shame if it’s late because your partner’s salary was reduced,” explains Liz. When shame is at the root of the issue, it’s really important to see what’s going on and be able to offer safety within that. “Instead of criticizing, which just creates more shame, be vulnerable [and ask what’s going on]. You can still have boundaries while being gentle around that shame.”

4. The last conflict relates to punishment: We get into power struggles if we believe someone deserves it. “They cheated on me, so they deserve it. They had it coming to them because they hurt me.” The pursuer (the person who was hurt in this case) may believe the betrayer has no right to take space, and if it sucks for their partner, too bad: “I’m punishing you because I’m still really angry.”

How do you avoid the punishment power struggle when you’ve been hurt?

“When there’s been a betrayal in the relationship—anything outside of what you thought your relationship contract was, so not just affairs, but when someone hurts you outside of what the commitment was—the person that did the betraying may receive a lot of punishment and anger,” Liz explains. She tells people dealing with betrayal: “It’s your job right now to make amends, to listen to the pain, to apologize. These are hard things to do, but you have to do it and you have to try a lot of trust-building behaviour.”

“I often compare it to a bank account,” says Liz. “When your bank account was healthy, it didn’t matter if you took $100 out, but the betrayal took all of the money out, plus $100, and now there’s an overdraft fee. It won’t be like this forever, but for a little bit, you do have to pay the $100 back and you have to pay a $30 overdraft.”

To the person who has been hurt, Liz says, “I know you’re angry and you have every right to maintain boundaries, be angry and to request certain things. But just like the bank isn’t allowed to give 10 overdraft fees a day, you can’t do that either. Because if you do it, just like with a bank, the person will never be able to pay themselves out of the hole. So if you tell your partner [how to make things better], and then you move the goalpost again, it’s never going to work.”

Liz says to be very clear about the things that you need to recover from the betrayal. If you are going to move the “goalpost” of your expectations from your partner, you have to be clear about why they are changing and communicate your feelings, boundaries and needs fairly. “Because if you combat one betrayal with another betrayal of disrespect and contempt, then the relationship falls apart even more. And that is where couples get really stuck,” warns Liz.

How to set healthy boundaries 

Liz recommends sitting down together and checking in on how things are going regularly, so you don’t have to unilaterally come up with boundaries as issues arise. “Allow yourself to be very open...you can say: It’s been going okay, but you know what’s been really hard for me? When the TV is on really loud late at night and I’m trying to get to sleep. I really need a quiet space in the bedroom.” 

Talk about how you can create a win-win situation, because if you’re really working together, all of your boundaries can actually be about things that will create win-wins for both of you. “You want to state things in what we call a positive need. A positive need is saying what you do want,” Liz explains. “So when you set boundaries, say what you do want. Telling someone what you don't want isn’t usually very effective.” 

Liz suggests trying an approach like, “I really want to go to sleep by 10pm” rather than “I don’t want you to leave the TV on all night.” That helps everyone understand the end goal, and it avoids starting a debate about the things that you don’t want. 

We hope that you enjoyed part 2 of our convo with Liz, and that your relationships are thriving!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Connect with Liz here:

@lizlistens

@abetterlifetherapy

Abetterlifetherapy.com

Love Lessons 365 Course

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Episode 14: How To Get Organized AF

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Spring has finally sprung, and since we’ve all been stuck in our homes for ages, this is the prime time to spring clean your life! In this week’s Quickie episode, we dive into simple ways that you can organize your home, your work life, and your time.

The first step to cleaning your shit up is understanding some of the psychology behind organization, which can help change our behaviours.

A number of studies have looked at what clutter does to people’s minds. Many point to how people who are stressed out, exhausted or burnt out can feel calmer and more at ease when they are immersed in hyper-tidy environments. Research in Psychology Today found that women with cluttered homes had higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. And Princeton University found that clutter makes it more difficult to focus on a particular task efficiently. 

Organization takes time, and it can feel super daunting, so the key is to break it up and take it one step at a time. Try devoting 30 minutes a day to organizing an aspect of your life or space. There’s an awesome website you can use called UnfuckYourHabitat.com that breaks organizing down into small fun challenges and checklists.

There are generally four key areas of your life that could benefit from more organization.

Tidying up your home

If you’re a little Type A and you want to learn from the best, check out Marie Kondo’s best-selling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, or watch her show on Netflix, Tidying up With Mari Kondo.

She’s the organization queen and her organizational style, the Konmari Method of Essentials, has been used by millions. The Konmari Method follows these 6 principles:

1. Commit yourself to tidying up: if you want to go all in, instead of cleaning one room a day, devote an entire day to doing your whole house or apartment.

2. Imagine your ideal lifestyle: Visualization is key. How do you want to feel in your space? Thinking of your life in concrete terms like, “I want to live in a calm space that sparks creativity” is much more impactful and inspiring than, “I want a clean home.”

3. Finish discarding first: You need to purge before you start! And in true Marie Kondo style, before getting rid of any items, make sure you sincerely thank each item for serving its purpose.

4. Tidy by category, not location: Instead of starting with your closet, start with your clothes. That might include your front hall closet, storage bins, your shoe rack, and your closet. 

5. Follow the right order of categories: Marie has developed a tried and true order of tidying up that she swears by:

   • Clothes

   • Books

   • Papers

   • Komono (AKA miscellaneous items)

   • Sentimental items

6. Ask yourself if it sparks joy: Having things in your home that inspire you and make you happy is important. If you love it, that feeling will radiate into other areas of your life. 

If you’re not quite ready to go full Marie Kondo, here are some quick fixes that make a difference. 

Have a strategy: Organization is less about “tidying” and more about thoughtfully strategizing where things should live for easy access and making the most of your space.

Group items by task: In the kitchen, keep everything you need for making your coffee on one tray, and keep all your baking supplies in one section. Tackle that out of control tupperware drawer and make sure every set has a matching lid. And only keep things on your counters that you use on a daily basis—the rest can be stored away. 

Make the most out of all storage opportunities: Taking advantage of vertical space for storage is a great hack. These Amazon shelves are perfect for decluttering counters and displaying your favourite products! And never pass up on good under bed storage. Ikea has some awesome pullout underbed drawers where you can keep off-season garments, extra blankets or shoes, or sentimental memorabilia that you don’t use often.

Use decorative objects for storage: Corralling miscellaneous items in pretty baskets will keep your counters clear (shoutout to our fave home decor guru Alexandra Gater for inspiring us to do that!) On her YouTube channel, Alexandra recommends storing dry goods and bathroom products in labelled jars for a package-free, unified look. We’re also using decorative boxes as a filing system to organize documents, mail and paper bills.

Organizing your computer and work files

When it comes to getting organized at work, the best place to start is with your to-do list. Listen back to our productivity episode, episode 6, where we explore three productivity methods to organize and crush your to-do lists!

Now let’s talk Desktops. It’s a divisive subject, where some people exclusively have a few tabs open at a time and a perfect document filing system, while others have 1,000 tabs, a crowded desktop full of screenshots, and a computer that freezes daily. Experts recommend Bookmarking tabs you aren’t immediately using and maintaining a solid bookmarking system, or saving them to apps like Pocket to visit later. You can even use browser extensions to manage your tabs and schedule them to reopen in the future! But if you need to keep a lot open at once, make sure you group related tabs into separate windows, and if you're an Apple user, you can create different desktops for different purposes like Work and Personal. 
Another place to focus on is your Inbox. We recommend setting up a folder system, setting up auto-filing rules, and using Outlooks clean-up tool! It deletes any redundant emails in a thread and keeps the latest one, one where someone was added or one with an attachment. Check out this link to learn how to use it.  It helps to consistently carve out the first and last 30 minutes of every work day to organize emails and prioritize your day.

Organize your finances

There’s no better feeling than having your financial shit together, and all the hard work is done for you if you use software or apps that track your spending and your investments for you. We’ve said this before back in our Budgeting episode, but apps like TD MySpend and Quicken will break down your spending from all cards and accounts into categories so you can really see where your money is going. 

Another time-saving suggestion: If you’re still getting bills by mail, it’s time to join the 21st century and sign up for online billing so you can easily track, save and search your bills and expenses digitally. That will really help come tax time. If you stay on top of organizing your receipts throughout the year, tax season won’t be such a daunting time! Try to organize your receipts by year, and then by month, and note on the receipt what the purpose of that expense was. And if you need help getting your taxes organized, check out our Canadian tax prep checklist to help you track everything you need before you submit! 

Organize your time

Between work, hobbies, appointments, working out, cooking, time for friends, and side hustles, it can be hard to keep track of it all, so really using a calendar for everything can help you make sense of all the shit you have going on in a week. It sounds obvious but guys it ACTUALLY helps. And if you live with your partner or have a business partner, getting a shared calendar is a game changer! It helps you prioritize your time and balance all the craziness that life throws at you. It’s also a great way to reflect at the end of the month and see where you spent your time and what changes you might want to make for the month ahead. Cailyn plans her entire day (and life) on her Google Calendar. 

Whatever part of your life you’re looking to organize, we hope that these tips help you get a head start! xx

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

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Episode 13: How To Have a Healthy Relationship Right Now

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If you’ve got love on the brain, and you’re crazy in love, but it’s killing you softly, this one’s for you! This week we’re talking about relationships: The struggles couples are facing right now, communication strategies to help improve things, and what we’ve learned about our own relationships in quarantine! 

Couples are navigating totally new and unprecedented stressors in their relationships right now, whether they are stuck quarantining together 24/7, isolating far apart in a distanced relationship, dealing with parenting, or coping with financial and career stress. And it’s more important than ever to come at these new challenges as a team, to have super strong communication, and to still find ways to enjoy a fun and loving relationship together.

We called in relationship therapist Liz Earnshaw, who helps her clients and hundreds of thousands of social media followers develop healthier relationships everyday. Liz is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia. She helps couples through issues like betrayal, grief, loss, and trauma, while teaching the art of communication. You also might’ve seen her on Instagram where she shares incredibly valuable relationship advice and therapy strategies on her account @lizlistens. 

Read on for Part 1 of our relationship deep dive, and tune back in for Part 2 of the episode in two weeks, where we chat about managing conflict and more communication tips! Here’s Liz’s advice for successfully navigating your relationship, so you can have a happy partnership no matter what’s going on in the world right now!

How can you maintain a healthy relationship when you’re dealing with long distance?

When it comes to long distance relationships, especially during COVID, Liz recommends three strategies that you can do as a couple to help your relationship thrive:

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End of week check-in. Ask yourself or discuss with a friend, family member, or a partner. . Also, I’d like to know- 🌙How are you really? 🌙What was last week like for you? 🌙What do you need next week?

A post shared by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT (@lizlistens) on Apr 26, 2020 at 6:19am PDT

1. Find ways to stay ritualized with each other.
Since you may not be able to plan your next visit, what else can you depend on to keep the love going? Liz suggests creating rituals such as every Friday night at 6pm you watch a movie together virtually, or every morning you send each other a ‘Good Morning’ text. Find ways to create fun, reinforcing routines together and then be super diligent at following through with them.

2. Be responsive. “If you’re really far apart you need extra responsiveness than you would if you were together,” says Liz. “You don’t get to see the non-verbal responses, the non-verbal signals. You don’t see the person passing by your office down the hallway, and you don’t really know if they’re there.” Liz recommends finding realistic ways for you both to create as much secure attachment as you can, such as messaging each other back promptly when apart so your partner knows you’re there. And if one partner is voicing their concerns or stresses about the relationship, it helps if the other partner validates their concerns and is verbally responsive to any stress their partner may be going through. “Giving them some validity to their experience is important,” Liz says.

3. Find ways to still dream together. Even though it’s hard to plan trips and fun future activities right now, you can still find ways to dream together, Liz reminds us. “We are living in survival mode mostly right now, but the thing that makes life feel good and beautiful is being out of that...you might not know when you’re going to take that vacation, but can you still send emails back and forth about how beautiful Iceland is.”

How can couples thrive when self-isolating together 24/7?

If you’re living with your partner right now, Liz notes that a lot of the same advice still applies. Dreaming together and creating rituals is still so important, and creating time that is just relationship-time and not work-time is important, says Liz. 

The biggest thing to keep in mind when you’re spending a lot of time together is how respectful you are being of one another. Liz recommends thinking about your relationship as if you were roommates: How you would want to be treated, and how would you treat your roommate? “[In] normal times you might only see each other a few hours a day, and the little quirks of leaving a sock somewhere or forgetting about the dishes is not a big deal because you’re in the house for three hours,” says Liz. “But if you’re in your house all day long with another person and you’re not showing manners towards each other, that’s going to be very problematic. It’s going to light a fuse that might be very long, but eventually will become very short.” 

Another helpful tip to remember when you’re cooped up with your boo, is that responsiveness is still super important. If your partner is experiencing stress and you have too much on your plate to help them, instead of dismissing them, Liz recommends having an open and honest conversation with your partner so they know that now is not a good time, and establishing in advance what that conversation looks like so feelings aren’t hurt. Liz suggests starting a polite conversation such as, “Hey babe, when we’re both stressed can we agree that if one of us can’t hear it, this is what we’ll say…”.

How couples can use this time to reconnect and improve their relationship

Sometimes the best place to start is reconnecting with yourself first. “It’s actually much easier to be intentional about connecting when you also know the ways in which you’re going to get your own time,” says Liz. “If people don’t have their own free time then it starts to bleed into connection time.” Carving out time for you will make the time that you spend with your partner much more intentional, and intentionality can be key for quality time spent together. Pick the times that are relationship times, and give your partner all of your attention without distractions. 

How can you communicate better with your partner, especially during a conflict

We’ve all heard that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but communicating effectively while in an argument is what can make or break a healthy relationship. Liz recommends learning about The Four Horsemen, a term coined by psychologist and relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman has been studying couples for almost four decades, and has revolutionized the study of marriage by identifying couples who are “Masters” or “Disasters” at navigating the Four Horsemen in a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.  “Once you see these things in your relationship, you really want to figure out how [you] can shift out of them,” warns Liz. 

But here’s the good news: “In all of his research, he found that people can change. A couple who is using all of these things and has become a Disaster can become a Master if they replace their behaviours,” says Liz. Here’s what Liz had to say about identifying the Four Horsemen and the the antidote to each one:

Criticism: You can recognize Criticism if you or your partner take a problem and place it inside of the other person. “You can catch yourself being critical if you are using the words “always” or never,” notes Liz.

• Example: You come home from work and you’re upset that there are dishes in the sink. The problem is the dishes and how the dishes are being handled, but if you’re being critical you might say to your partner, “You are always sitting on the couch when I get in the door!”

The Antidote: Liz recommends replacing Criticism with something called A Gentle Start Up. “You start the conversation gently, because the research shows that the first three minutes of a conversation determine the direction.” 

• Example: Instead of criticizing your partner for not doing the dishes, you can start by saying, “Babe, can we talk? When I come in at the end of the day and see dishes in the sink, it makes me feel stressed and frustrated, and I need us to come up with a solution.”

Defensiveness: You can recognize Defensiveness if you or your partner victimize yourselves, and reverse the blame on each other when you are in an argument.

• Example: If you’re being defensive, your response to your partner criticizing you about the dishes might be, “Well when do you expect me to clean the dishes? I was busy all day while you were out. And when are YOU going to take your car to get fixed? You said you would do that last week!”

The Antidote: The best way to combat Defensiveness is to learn how to take responsibility for your part.

• Example: Instead of finding ways to turn the argument on your partner when they have criticized you about the dishes, Liz suggests to take responsibility for the smallest part that is true. “This might look like saying, ‘You are right. The sink is a disaster’ or ‘I hear you. I know you’re tired that the house is a mess right now and you’re right I didn’t clean the dishes’. The key is owning the piece that you are responsible for.”

Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs “when somebody gets so flooded in a conversation, and too many emotions come up for them that their body actually physically shuts down,” says Liz. When Stonewallers are hooked up to machines, they often have a heart rate that’s elevator to 110 beats per minute or more, and the body releases the same hormones as when it’s in fight or flight mode. “Their body just shuts down and they can’t access the part of their brain that allows for conversation. They can only access the part that will let them run away.”

• Example: You can recognize Stonewalling in your partner if they are withdrawing from or avoiding the argument. Liz also notes that you may notice that your partner is kicking their foot nervously, or they cross their arms across their body and have a blank stare, because they are psychologically trying to soothe themselves.

The Antidote: The best way to combat Stonewalling is learning how to Self-Sooth, says Liz. Taking a moment to tell your partner, “I’m feeling very flooded. I don’t know what’s going on. I love you, I just need a break,” will allow you to come back to things when you’re in a better state to work it out constructively. “Letting the other person know that you love them and letting them know that you’re still there is an antidote to Stonewalling,” says Liz.

Contempt: The final and fourth Horsemen is the most detrimental of them all. “When there is Contempt in a relationship, it’s really a sign that the relationship is in a harmful space. It is criticism supercharged and it can verge on abuse or become abuse,” warns Liz.

• Example: Liz notes that Contempt shows up when we have “superiority in our voice, condescension, belittling, and we do things that hit below the belt.” Another way to recognize contempt is by noticing your partner’s facial expressions. “It’s the only unilateral facial expression,” explains Liz, “When we have contempt we only use one side of our face...when people feel contempt they cannot hide it. It’s very powerful.”

The Antidote: You can combat Contempt by getting clear on what you’re really upset about. Is there a deep rooted betrayal or resentment that has turned into Contempt? This one requires a lot of deep work to recognize what triggers you and what you need to work on personally so that you can still treat your partner with respect. Gottman’s research also recommends combating Contempt by reminding yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and finding gratitude in them.

“[Understanding these] is a great adult hack because once you know it’s only four behaviours [that] are not going to do any good to your relationship, it’s a lot easier to pick them out,” notes Liz. If you recognize when you or your partner are showing signs of the four behaviours, you can make shifts to combat them. “Doing those little shifts can make huge differences in the way that you communicate.”

How to handle the general uncertainty of the current economy, workforce and state of the world as a team

Stressful times are either going to bring you and your partner together, or serve as the fuse that leads to what Liz calls ‘The Big Bang’. “[Couples] are going to have this amazing experience with each other, of coming together during a stressful, traumatic event. And they are going to look back at this as something that is an anchor to them [and] created really strong roots to their relationship,” says Liz. “And then there are other couples that are going to experience what I like to call ‘The Big Bang’, which is when there is a really stressful experience and your partner doesn’t respond very well, or you don’t respond well as a couple, and even though it doesn’t cause the end of the relationship in that moment, it’s kind of like The Big Bang where over time the relationship is going to go extinct. Because the pain of how something was responded to when you really needed your partner isn’t overcome.”

To avoid ‘The Big Bang’, Liz recommends creating secure attachments with your partner. Ask yourself: “How are you showing your partner that you’ve got their back and that you are their ally?”

And on the flipside, we also need to be very mindful of how we are bringing ourselves into our relationships, notes Liz. It’s important to lean on your partner in times of stress, but it’s just as important to recognize the impact that it can have on our partner over time. Liz suggests to find other outlets so that you can balance being there for your partner and also being there for yourself. Things like journaling, reading, talking to friends or speaking with a therapist are healthy ways to cope if your partner needs a break. 

We hope that our convo with Liz helps you and your partner deal with whatever life throws at your relationship! Stay tuned for Part 2 with Liz two weeks from now where we dive into setting boundaries, overcoming power struggles and more!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Connect with Liz here:

@lizlistens

@abetterlifetherapy

Abetterlifetherapy.com

Love Lessons 365 Course

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Episode 12: How To Stress Less and Manage Your Mental Health

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Many of us deal with some level of stress at the best of times, but when you toss a global pandemic and quarantine into the mix, it’s safe to say that almost everyone is feeling anxious and uncertain right now in some capacity. While some of us have been able to take this time at home to slow down and re-connect with the things that matter, others are struggling with unemployment, health issues, insane workloads, financial instability, loneliness, teaching AND parenting their kids, and just general WTF-is-the-future-going-to-look-like anxiety.

So, if you’re feeling super overwhelmed right now, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and whatever you’re feeling right now, is 100% okay to feel. We’ve been feeling pretty damn stressed and a little moodier than usual if we’re being honest, so we’re really glad we are able to share this conversation. Because the more we open about how we’re feeling, the easier it is for others to share and normalize their experiences, too.

We recorded an episode with therapist Megan Rafuse a while back, and we’ve put together a few highlights from our interview that are super relevant and helpful for anyone who may be feeling stressed today. Her advice and exercises have really helped us navigate our own stress and anxiety during this time. 

Megan is a mental health innovator who specializes in millennial wellness. She’s the owner of the Toronto-based therapy clinic, Shift Collab, which offers one-on-one therapy and mental health workshops, catering to busy, highly-driven young adults. We hope Megan’s advice will resonate and offer some coping strategies and stress relief, so carve out a little well-deserved *you* time and read on for our key takeaways.

How can you get out of a stressed, anxious mental state?

“As women, we tend to be givers,” says Megan. “We want to support everyone else and sometimes that comes at the expense of ourselves.” We’re often stuck in a state of what Megan likes to call “Should-ing on yourself” and “Must-erbating”, where you find yourself thinking, “I should have done this, I shouldn’t have done that”. To combat this, Megan suggests we start challenging our “shoulds” with “coulds”. Flip the script and try saying, “I could have done this, but I have compassion for myself now, so I’m telling myself it’s okay that I didn’t.”

Another helpful strategy that Megan recommends is to think of your emotional and mental wellness as a bank account, and be aware of how many deposits you’re putting in versus how much you’re withdrawing. Start by making a list of things that make you feel fulfilled, like painting, working out, watching Netflix, calling a friend, etc. Then take your list and rate each item on a scale of 0-10 (0 being minimal nourishment, and 10 being the most nourishment) to figure out how much emotional “money” each one can add to your emotional bank account..  

The key here is to be compassionate with yourself, notes Megan. “If I’m having a really tough day, I might not have the energy to do something that’s a 9. [So] I might not go for a long run, I might do a 2 and watch netflix and order takeout. And that’s okay, because putting $2 in your emotional bank account is better than none. It’s about not shaming yourself.” 

And we all know that a reasonable level of stress is inevitable. It’s a part of our everyday lives and that’s what has helped humans adapt and survive over time. But when you start feeling too overwhelmed and burnt out, Megan recommends checking in with yourself and asking: “What have I done recently to put money back into my emotional bank account?”

“Things like our daily commute, how much time we spend at work, and relationship challenges [are] stressors. And stress tends to compound, [so] we need to know what helps us deal with our stress in order for us to be able to cope with it,” says Megan. 

This exercise has been so helpful that we created an emotional bank account worksheet for you to use.
You can download it HERE!

How can we avoid the stress and added pressure of social media?

We would be lying if we didn’t admit that we sometimes compare ourselves to others on social media. Especially when we’re stuck at home in quarantine, it can add to the anxiety that we’re not doing enough or being productive enough when we see what everyone else is up to. Megan refers to these thought patterns as “compare and despair”. We compare our current state to other people’s curated highlight reels on social media, and then we despair and project negative thoughts about our own lives. Megan reminds us that “Our brain doesn’t have the capacity to recognize that Suzy probably took 100 photos to get that one shot and she used a filter.” So when you’re going through the compare and despair rabbit hole, Megan recommends to pause, let yourself slow down, and to take a social media break. 

How can we identify the areas of our lives that are stressing us out most, and find more balance all around?

“A good way to manage stress, and burn out as well, is to think about our life as a pie,” says Megan. Start by drawing a circle with 8 slices that represent different areas of your life, and then rate how you feel in each area out of 10. 

The key is to understand that you’re not going to have a perfectly rounded pie: “I think it’s kind of bullshit that we have to expect ourselves to have a fully round pie. Nobody has one, we will never have one. And it’s awesome not to have a fully balanced pie, because there are some areas in your life that you’re investing more time and energy into than others.” 

This exercise will help you identify areas that you’ve been neglecting and may need to spend more time and energy on. It also allows you to give yourself some recognition for the areas where you’re crushing it! 

If you’re eager to start doing this exercise, we’ve created a life balance pie downloadable for you as well! Download it HERE !

How to support loved ones and set boundaries when you’re at capacity with your own mental health

According to Megan, stress and burnout wants us to isolate. When showing up for others becomes too overwhelming and you need to focus on yourself, she suggests tackling this straight on and having an open and honest conversation. She recommends saying: “Hey I know I’ve been bailing on our FaceTime dates [for example]. I really care about you and value our friendship, but I am really struggling. Can we put our FaceTime dates on hold, but can you keep reaching out and send me a text every once in a while?” This helps remove the guilt and avoidance that can amplify if you just ignore your plans with people. 

It can also be hard to support your loved ones when you personally don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to take on any additional stress. How can you take care of others if you can’t take care of yourself first?! If you find yourself in this situation, Megan suggests total honesty by acknowledging that you’re both struggling and that neither of you have the capacity to support one other. Then, you could brainstorm who else you can both lean on for more support. Not sure how to broach that convo? She recommends saying: “I hear you, and I really care about you, but I also don’t have capacity [right now]. How can we support each other through this [in a way] that doesn’t feel like it’s going to drain us even more?”

How do you know if your problems are “bad enough” to seek help? 

We’ve both been guilty of letting our problems fester for too long, or if our problems are even big enough in the first place to warrant talking to a friend or going to therapy. So when it comes to dealing with these thoughts, Megan’s advice is simple:  “There is no such thing as ‘bad enough’. If you feel like you’re struggling, reach out. Start with the people that know and love you.”

We hope that our chat with Megan helps you find some ways to manage your stress and anxieties, and also helps you to know that you’re not in this alone. 

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Connect with Megan here:

@meganrafuse

@theshiftcollab

shiftcollab.com

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Episode 11: How To Budget…And Feel Good About My Money

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Money is on everyone's minds right now, but most of us can't make sense of how to manage it. It’s more important than ever to keep an open dialogue about your financial wellbeing, especially as we navigate the effects of the Coronavirus on the economy and workforce. So we're diving into money management, budgeting, savings hacks and the psychology behind how we spend our money with finance expert Melissa Leong.

Melissa is an award-winning finance writer, an on-air money expert on Canada’s leading daytime talk show, The Social, the best-selling author of the feel-good finance guide, Happy Go Money, and the host of the Money Moves podcast. We spoke with Melissa a while ago, before the Coronavirus hit, but her advice on saving, spending, and improving your relationship with money is more relevant than ever.

Melissa makes personal finance fun and relatable, and she wants everyone to start having more conversations with themselves and their peers about money. And when it comes to spending habits, she keeps it refreshingly real: “I’ve learned you can make money work for you, you have to take risks, and you have to invest in the things you care about, like your business, or the things you value...It’s okay to spend money.”

Here are some of the key takeaways from our chat with Melissa:

Budgeting 101: Six key steps for your “spending plan”

1. Calculate your after-tax income and your fixed costs

Your after-tax income is the amount of money that you actually take home each paycheck after all applicable taxes and deductions have been applied. If you’re not sure what your provincial or state tax is, check out these resources:

• Canada: https://simpletax.ca/calculator 

• US: https://www.hrblock.com/tax-calculator/

Your fixed costs are all of the things that you have to pay each month. Think: rent, your mortgage, student loans, car insurance, internet, hydro, etc. Make sure these necessity costs are covered in your budget and that you’re chipping away at being debt-free!

2. Automate your savings

“The savings habits that you establish now will set you up for when you are older,” says Melissa. “You need to start early. You need to have started saving...yesterday! Ten years ago! So if you can, start right now and set up something [that is] automatic.”

Most banks let you set up automatic deposits from your checking account to your savings account on a monthly basis, which you can increase over time. “I don’t care if it’s $5, $20, or $50, set yourself a calendar reminder to bump it up a tiny bit every few months and see if you can keep bumping it up,” suggests Melissa. “I promise you, you’re not going to notice that the money's gone and it will go towards your goals. You need to be putting aside money for short term goals, like a wedding, and long term goals like, retirement. No one is going to look after you, but you.”

3. Track your spending

Once you know your income and fixed costs, track the rest of your spending for one to three months so that you know where your money is actually going (UberEats? Sephora? Manicures? The struggle is real.) There are tons of apps out there like TD MySpend and Quicken (our personal faves) that can do this for you. Once you know where your money is going, you’ll have a better idea of where you might need to cut back—did I really need to sign up for a wine delivery subscription service!?—and how much you can allocate to other important things, like your money values.

4. Set up an emergency fund

As Melissa reminded us, “you don’t know when life is going to turn sour, and you don’t want money to make your life’s problems even worse.” Especially right now, when there’s so much economic uncertainty and job instability in the near future, it’s so important to save up and contribute to your emergency fund. Melissa recommends setting aside three months of living expenses—even more if you’re a freelance worker.

5. Identify your money values

We’re both cutting back and saving up right now, as are a lot of us, but you can still figure out the things that matter most to you that you are comfortable spending money on. These are the priorities that genuinely fulfill you and feel good to spend on, and you should do so without guilt so long as you make concessions elsewhere.

6. Get clear on your financial goals

Trust us, it’s real hard to save if you don’t know what you’re saving for. So whether it’s a new car, a future trip, or a downpayment on a home, get super clear about your goals so you have some purpose to drive all of that saving.

The psychology behind money and spending

Before you can succeed with a spending plan and your financial goals, you first need to understand and solve for your relationship with money. This goes back to how you were raised, Melissa explains. Money is tied to vanity, pride, values, worth, self-esteem and years of associations that you’ve picked up from your environment. But the more we talk about it, the more we can demystify the power money holds: “Let’s talk about how you use money, because money is just a tool,” says Melissa. “It has no meaning. You give it meaning. What meaning are you giving money? What do you think of automatically when someone mentions it?”

The truth is, very few of the things that make you happy can be acquired. “Often, what people spend their money on is to alleviate some sort of pain…we’re buying as a symptom of something. [So] you need to fill your void before you can think about your budget...If you spend because you’re stressed, let’s work on the stress. Then spend your money on meditation classes, or time with loved ones, or experiences.”

Turns out money CAN buy “happiness”...you just need to know how to spend it

“Part of being an adult is making choices, and personal finance is all about choices,” says Melissa. “Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t buy a latte if you really love lattes.” Remember, it’s not about counting every single penny that goes out your door: “It’s about choosing something that you enjoy, something that you value, something that makes you happy, and then allocating your resources to that and sacrificing elsewhere.” 

And that, friends, is why establishing your money values is so important! Identifying them will help you cut back on areas that aren’t actually important to you, so you can spend on areas that fulfill you.

But is there really a happiness threshold when it comes to making money?

Researchers have studied the “magic number” of how much money people need to make to feel happy, and they’ve landed on two figures: Melissa explains that when it comes to day-to-day happiness, the income threshold is $60-$65k USD per household. When it comes to overall life satisfaction, that threshold is closer to $90k per household. But what does that even mean? 

“What this [research] is showing is that you need to cover your basics. Any more money above these thresholds is associated with a decline in happiness,” says Melissa. “You may be working more, [it’s] more stressful, you may be focusing on other things that are not as affirming like comparing yourself to others or more material goods.”

One of the interesting aspects of the human psyche is that “we have this wonderful thing called hedonic adaptation, which means whatever it is that you get, you often get used to it, and return to a baseline of happiness,” explains Melissa. This means that no matter how much you make and obtain, you’ll generally get used to that level, and you’ll want more. 

So what do we do about it? It’s all a never-ending quest for happiness, says Melissa, but if you want to use benchmarks to be effective in your earnings and success, you should say: “‘If I make this amount, then I will achieve this specific goal.’ That makes it not about happiness—which is a futile quest—it makes it about doing something tangible and helpful to your life, like [paying] off your mortgage faster. Those are specific things, it’s not about joy.”

How do you “flip the script” on your negative money talk and get comfortable broaching it?

When it comes to talking more positively and openly about money, Melissa recommends a few strategies:

1. Watch your language: “Being aware of the way that you automatically talk about money is the first huge hurdle”, says Melissa. We often don’t pay attention to our internal dialogue and the kind of language we use towards ourselves. “There is a lot of shame and there is a lot of guilt [around money], so being aware of how you put yourself down when it comes to finances is a first step.”  Instead of joking that you’re too broke to go out with friends, flip the script and say that you’re working on paying down your debt. “You’re not broke—you’re working on something,” says Melissa. “I don’t feel empowered when somebody is bullying me. So if you’re bullying yourself in your mind, you’re doing yourself a disservice.”

2. Talk to someone you trust: Talking about your money and savings goals with a friend, family member or colleague will make it okay for them to reveal their own truths about money. “Together we can empower each other to make that conversation easier,” says Melissa.

3. Take action: “Often confidence comes from doing”, Melissa explains, so even the smallest actions like putting $5 aside each week, or emailing HR about your company’s retirement plans, will help you gain more confidence when it comes to your finances.

What’s the skinny on TFSAs and corporate RRSP programs?

Despite its name (TFSA = tax-free savings account), Melissa reminds us that even though “it’s called a savings account, the power of [a TFSA] is that it’s an investment account.” The beauty of a tax free savings account is that your investments can grow tax-free, so to reap the full benefits of a TFSA, Melissa recommends using it for investing and long-term savings. The Canadian government first introduced TFSAs in 2019 to encourage Canadians to save more money, and since you paid taxes on the money that you put into your TFSA, you do not have to pay any taxes when you take money out. And unlike an RRSP, you can take money out of your TFSA at any time. But there is a limit as to how much money you can contribute to your TFSA each year (known as your contribution limit), which varies from year to year. You can check your contribution limit by logging into your CRA account. 

When it comes to corporate RRSP matching programs, Melissa says it best: ”Any program where you are essentially getting free money is...Go! Run there now! Flip your desk and run to HR!” RRSPs (registered retirement savings plan) were introduced to help provide Canadians with tax breaks to incentivize them to save for retirement. The main benefit of an RRSP is that any tax on your RRSP contributions are deferred until retirement when you withdraw your money, so you pay less tax in the year that you contribute. Your RRSP contribution room is 18% of your income, or a maximum amount, which you can also find on your CRA account.

If you can enroll in a company RRSP program or an employee share program where your company matches a portion of your contribution, never leave money on the table!

It might feel overwhelming to get started, but remember that it’s never too late. “I’m sure we can all look back and regret the things we’ve done in the past,” says Melissa, “but we made the choices that we made based on the situation at that time. We did our best. So now we’re trying to empower you with information...but it’s up to you to actually take action!”

We know that these may be stressful times financially, so be sure to consult with a financial advisor or trusted expert if you do need help, and take advantage of any financial resources that you may be eligible for, like the Canada Emergency Response Benefit, if your income has been affected by COVID-19. 

We hope that our convo with Melissa inspires you to take control of your personal finances! DM us and let us know how your financial journey is going, and what tips and tricks you’ve used to find financial freedom. See you next week!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Connect with Melissa here:

melissaleong.com

instagram.com/lisleong

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Episode 10: How To Form A Habit - And Stick To It

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We’ve all heard these famous sayings, “We are what we repeatedly do” and “excellence is not an act but a habit.” But how do you actually form new ones that stick? In episode 10, we’re diving into how to hack your habits (and actually stick to them). 

It only takes 21 days to form a habit, and with all this time spent at home right now, a lot of us have more time and space to work on developing new behaviours we’ve always wanted to tackle. But it can feel really daunting and hard to find the motivation, because we’re all out of our routines, and habits require routine.

But habits don’t need to be these huge, crazy life changes! They actually work best when they’re small, subtle tweaks, and the key to making them stick is routine. It’s turning your habits into automatic processes where you can act without thinking, like brushing your teeth before bed.

The science behind our habits

It helps to understand why habits are at the core of everything we do, and how you can shape and change them to have a positive impact on your life. One of the best books on this topic is The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life & Business by Pulitzer-prize winning best-selling author Charles Duhigg. Duhigg explains that habits work in 3-step loops: Cue, Routine & Reward.

The Cue is what triggers you to do a habit, so, setting your alarm to wake you up everyday at 8:00AM. Having a trigger helps create a ritual that you can use to follow through with your habit. 

The Routine is the behavior that you then automatically do after the Cue. For example when you first get out of bed you might brush your teeth, wash your face and go make a coffee in the same order every day.

And then the Reward is the part of the loop where you receive something for completing your habit. So that could be the comforting feeling of that first sip of coffee in the morning. Or maybe it’s taking a long hot shower after a tough workout.

So the key to start forming new habits or to changing any bad habits, is to understand your cue, change your routine and, reward yourself in a positive way that will encourage you to want to do that habit again and again.

Shaping your identity with habits

Simple habits have the power to change your self-image, confidence and mindset. That’s why they really matter—they change your internal narrative about yourself. How many times have you told yourself that, “you’re not a morning person, you’re bad at remembering things, you’re just not organized, or you’re always late?” The thing about habits is that when you show up and follow through with them, they help support the ideals of being a certain type of person. 

Habits are the evidence that allows you to identify as something: Your immediate goal may be to run a marathon, but it’s ultimately to identify as a “runner”. You might want to start reading a few books on your list, but what you actually want, is to be “a reader”. 

You can also think of habits like you think of compound interest, in the sense that the effects of your habits multiply as you repeat them. You might not see a lot of difference day to day, but they can really change your life in a few months or years. They’re like the compound interest of self-improvement!

7 Ways To Hack Your Habits

Whether you’re looking to nail a new morning routine, start meditating, read more, or start working out (check out episode #9 of the podcast, with fitness coach Beverley Cheng, for more workout inspo), we’ve rounded up seven proven strategies for making new habits stick.

1. Commit to 21 days

It only takes 21 days for a habit to stick, and once you’ve established that habit, if you keep up with it for 90 days, it’s guaranteed to become a permanent lifestyle change. 

2. Be realistic

It’s way easier to stick to new habits if you start simple. Don’t try to completely change your life in one day, so start small and build from there. If you’re feeling super overwhelmed by a big goal, habit expert James Clear (the author of Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones) recommends The Two Minute Rule: Take whatever habit you’re trying to build and scale it down to something that takes just two minutes everyday. So, reading more books becomes reading just one page a day. Working out daily becomes a quick two minute sweat sesh. Then you can build on that scale up once it’s become a habit. 

3. Be consistent

Consistency is super important for making a habit stick. Try doing it at the same time, and in the same place when possible for those three weeks. Cues like time of day, place and environment will help make these changes permanent. 

A great way to stay consistent is to try Filmmaker and Youtuber Matt D'Avella’s The Two Day Rule: Don’t go 2 days in a row without doing your new habit. That way, if you skip one day you don’t need to beat yourself up over it or give up. Give yourself a one day grace period and you’ll be more likely to stick to your new habit.

4. Try habit stacking

If you’re trying to do a bunch of small tasks regularly, a proven way to get shit done consistently is to group those activities together into a routine, and to link that to a habit you’ve already already set in your day. This anchors your new habits to an existing trigger, and it really does work.

5. Create visual cues

Tangible cues can act as regular reminders to practice your habit. For example, put your running shoes somewhere visible if you want to workout more or put athletic clothes on when you wake up, or leave your book on your night stand if you’re trying to read more. 

6. Schedule in your habits

Scheduling whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish will help you treat it as a non-negotiable that you have to work around. Using an app to track your progress or to help set daily reminders is a great app—we recommend the Tally app, which lets you set daily or weekly goals for each habit. You could also use a connected device like Amazon Alexa to set reminders during the day. 

7. Track your progress

You can also track your process the good ol’ fashion way with pen and paper, with something that habit hackers call the Seinfeld method, which was coined by—you guessed it!—Jerry Seinfled. When he was training to become a comedian, he knew that the only way to get better was to consistently write and test out new jokes, so he got a giant calendar and a big red magic marker and would mark an “X” every day that he wrote. Eventually you’ll get a big chain of X’s that will keep motivating you to add more. 

We’ve created a free downloadable habit tracker to help you get started, so be sure to check it out here and start tracking your progress! 

We hope these tips will help motivate you to start forming the new habits you’ve been dreaming of. Hit us up on social and let us know what’s been working for you! 

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

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Episode 09: How To Crush Your Workout Routine (at home!)

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If you’re getting as restless as we are while we’re all stuck at home, and you’re fresh out of banana bread ingredients, it might be time to tackle that workout regimen you’ve been meaning to start. It’s hard to find motivation while we’re all staying inside, but right now is actually the best time to begin your fitness journey!

We interviewed fitness coach and Instagram workout sensation Beverley Cheng, and she gave us some seriously fire advice and insight on taking control of your health and workouts. It’s okay if you’re struggling to get moving, but as we all know, staying active is really good for your mental and physical health, and it gives you some much-needed structure and normalcy. Here’s a few things that have helped us stick to a fitness routine:

1. Find what you love. Don’t push yourself to do a workout you hate or a big part of your routine will be dreaded. Gillian’s favourite workouts include: Studio Lagree reformer pilates, Big Hit boxing, Kayla’s BBG fitness program, the Glo yoga app, and following Beverley’s Instagram workout videos (which kicked my ass so hard I couldn’t go up the stairs for two days.)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by FITNESS COACH - Beverley Cheng (@beverleycheng) on Apr 7, 2020 at 7:35am PDT

Cailyn loves strength training through the Tone It Up app, HIIT or Tabata, hot yoga classes (or the Yoga With Adriene YouTube Channel) and spin classes. She also just took up cycling with her hubby so they can get outside and enjoy the fresh air while exercising. 

2. Workout for a positive goal, not a negative one. Try to workout to feel your best mentally and physically, versus as a punishment or out of guilt. Do it so that you can live your best damn life. And if you fall off the wagon one day or miss a workout, don’t sweat it! Just pick it back up the next day and don’t be hard on yourself.

3. Get some skin in the game. If you’re paying for classes, a personal trainer, or a gym membership, you’re more likely to make the most out of your investment and follow through with your workouts. ClassPass is a great option if you love a variety of exercise, but you can still invest in working out at home right now, too. You don’t need much equipment, just pick up some dumbbells, order a yoga matt and some resistance bands on Amazon and you’ll be good to go. If you can afford to, investing in an at-home training program from one of your favourite trainers will really help keep you on track: Beverley Cheng’s Fit From Home workout program is the perfect way to get in shape from your living room. This affordable 21 day training plan will have you working harder than any gym membership! 

4. Get an accountability buddy!  Working out with a friend or your partner helps motivate you on days when you’re just not feeling it.

5. Reward yourself! Celebrate your wins and reward yourself with new workout clothes, new running shoes or a special favourite meal you can cook or order in after a great workout. We love treating ourselves to a fresh pair of running shoes or a new sports bra!

Before the Coronavirus hit, we chatted with expert Beverley Cheng for some #realtalk on how to actually commit to our fitness progress. Beverley is a fitness coach and wellness content creator who specializes in online virtual training. You’ve probably seen her killing it on Instagram and on her blog Born to Sweat, where she serves up workout videos and recipes. Recently, she’s been helping people take care of their health while quarantined by live streaming workouts on her Instagram and through her Fit From Home program. This program is amazing—it’ll kick your ass into shape, and it’s only 21 days with 5 workouts a week that are all under 40 minutes long! 

Beverley has a refreshingly holistic and body-positive approach to training: “I believe when you start out on your fitness journey a lot of us think it’s just about getting fitter, looking better, getting that skinnier waist or bigger booty, but I like to look at it as having a stronger body, but also a stronger mind, and therefore a stronger you.”

Why routine is more important than that “magic” motivation

Beverley says that learning how to create solid habits and schedules is the key to success in fitness: “I don’t think it’s about motivation. It’s about routine and consistency. I’ve created a structure and life where I have to workout five days a week, and if I don’t, something feels off. A lot of time people are just waiting for motivation to hit, but it’s never going to come. That’s not how we work. But we are very routine as humans, and we do follow habits.”

She also believes that finding your overarching “why” is super beneficial for keeping you accountable. “It really helps to figure out why you’re doing something and why it matters to you. Especially on the days when you really don’t want to go [workout], it’s important to understand why you’re doing something. Not just physically to get a smaller waist or bigger butt, but to be able to live pain free, play with [your] children, or set a good example.”

How to jumpstart your fitness routine this week 

If you want to really start your fitness routine right now, there are three simple things Beverley recommends you begin today:

1. Start drinking more water! You should ideally be drinking 3 litres—and peeing a lot! (It helps to invest in a good water bottle. We love S’well and YETI)

2. Get organizing and scheduling: Start consistently scheduling your workouts in advance. Putting exercise in your calendar and planning around it is what makes it a priority. That’s when your fitness routine becomes a non-negotiable. 

3. Get an accountability buddy! It can work wonders to share your fitness journey with another human, whether it’s a friend, coworker or coach.

How to overcome weight room anxiety

Next time you’re feeling fearful about trying new equipment at the gym, consider Beverley’s real talk on gym anxieties: “Literally, no one cares about you when you’re working out. Nobody cares about what you’re doing. Everyone cares about themselves. And if anyone is watching you workout, they have a problem with their own workout routine.” #TRUTH. 

Beverley also says that if something intimidates you, you should do everything you can to prepare for it in advance so you're confident going into the situation, and “if something makes you uncomfortable, it means you should probably do it.”

Stuck at home? Use this time to prep and perfect those power moves

If you’re new to weight lifting or intimidated by your gym’s weight room, Beverley says there’s a lot of prep and practice you can do in advance. So use this quarantine time to practice and research. “If you really do struggle with trying something new out, prepare for it!” says Beverley. “If you want to do a Barbell Hipthrust, and you don’t understand how to get into the position, how to put weights on the barbell, where you should set your shoulders up, take that as an opportunity to learn. Watch YouTube videos. Google ‘how to set up for a barbell hipthrust’. Do as much research as you can until you feel completely confident.”

 You can also use this time to research how you can build up to some of those weight room power moves at home: You could be doing kettlebell swings to build up to deadlifts. All of this will help you so that when we’re free to hit the gym again, you know what you’re doing. 

How to set realistic goals 

Beverley recommends outlining your overarching goals, and then breaking them down into things that you can do daily or weekly. Those are the micro-goals you want to focus on. “Rather than establishing one big goal, look at all the steps it takes to get you there: Diet, sleep, workouts. Break it down from there and create a structured routine that’s going to help you get to that goal. Set those intentions for yourself.”

These incremental goals will help you stick with it for the long run. Rather than tackling a mountain, incremental benchmarks let you celebrate the small wins along the way and set doable daily intentions. 

Your goals will also play a big part in shaping your fitness regime. “When you’re structuring your own workout routines, it depends what your goals are. You can work every week to build a strong back, and work on that area. Say you wanted to firm up your legs or glutes, you would adjust your workout routine to have 2x lower body days a week,” explains Beverley. “But I make sure to hit every part of my body [at some point] throughout the week.”

How to accurately track your progress

The best way to track your progress with unbiased honesty is through photos—unlike the fluctuating (and sometimes toxic) scale, pics don’t lie! Beverley says you should take front, side, and back photos at the same time of day with the same clothing and backdrop when possible for the sake of consistency and accuracy. She also recommends keeping a journal or app to track your workouts and behaviours—Beverley tracks the weight and number of reps she logs at the gym every time she goes, so she can monitor her progression and address any plateaus.  

A gentle note on “falling off the wagon”

Just remember, this should be a long and positive journey towards a healthy, balanced life—not a strict quick fix. If you take a fews days off from working out, or eat food that you don’t consider healthy, it doesn’t mean all is lost. “Just look at the next day as a brand new opportunity,” says Beverley. “It doesn't mean that everything has to go down the drain, or that you screwed up...It’s just a new opportunity to eat something better later on that’s going to nourish your body. Become more flexible and look at this as a fun journey, not just a rigid structure.”

We hope you're feeling super fired up and motivated by our chat with Beverley. Slide into our DMs, and hit up Beverley on Insta, to let us on how your fitness journey is going, and what’s been working for you at home!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Connect with Beverley here:

borntosweat.co

@beverleycheng

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Episode 08: How To Sleep Better So You’re Rested AF

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If you’re like us, you might be finding it hard to sync up your sleep schedule with this new WFH life. And even though we’re all stuck at home doing nothing and should be sleeping more than ever, a lot of us are struggling because our entire routine has changed. Obviously, we all know that we should be striving to get eight hours a night—that’s the dream. But it’s way easier said than done. 

So we’ve done the research to help you catch your Zzzs, and we’re diving into 6 tips on how to fall asleep fast:  

1: Wake up & go to bed at the same time every day

Yes, even on weekends! Welcome to adulthood. It’s all about regulating your circadian rhythm, which is basically an internal clock that runs in the background of our brains 24 hours a day, and cycles between stages of sleepiness and alertness at regular intervals. Your circadian rhythm works best when you have regular sleep and wake habits at night and in the morning. Obviously things get in the way, like daylight savings, pulling an all-nighter for work or school, or binge-watching Netflix till 3:00am...shit happens, we’ve all been there. But if you can stay regular with your sleep schedule you’ll avoid disrupting your circadian rhythm, and those disruptions can make you feel groggy, moody, and can make it harder for you to pay attention during the day.

2: Watch your caffeine intake

This is a hard one, especially if you’re like us and LIVE off coffee. We’re not saying you need to go cold turkey, but if you're having trouble sleeping at night try reducing your caffeine intake in the afternoon. We’ve learned that our cut-off time is around 3:00pm for our last cup, so test it out and see what works best for you.

3: Watch what you eat and drink before bed

Try to avoid eating large meals before bed that’ll send your digestive system into overdrive. And even though we all love a glass of wine at the end of the day, studies show that booze is known to increase the symptoms of sleep apnea, snoring, and can disrupt your sleep patterns. Yep, we know...this is why we can’t have nice things. Just choose your wine nights wisely, especially when you’re running low on sleep.

4: Create the ultimate sleep den

Optimize your room to become the coziest sleep den. Your bedroom should only be used for two things: sleep and sex. Straight up. Here are some ways that we’ve created our own sleep haven:

• Purchase blackout curtains. These have been a game changer for us!

• Dim the lighting in your room in the evenings. Mood lighting is key all-around.

• Put on a diffuser with sleep-promoting essential oils. Aromatherapy is such a tried-and-tested way to promote calmness and restfulness before bed, and your fave scents can become a tangible cue or trigger for your mind that it’s time to sleep. We love the Sweet Dreams set from Saje or this amazing set that we always keep by our bed-side tables! 

• Invest in some comfy blankets - weighted ones are all the rage right now and can help you relax and fall asleep faster. This one is our favourite - it’s like a warm hug when you crawl into bed!

• Keep it cool. Studies show that the optimal temperature for sleeping should be between 60 to 67 degrees fahrenheit (or 15-19 degrees celsius). AKA cold AF.

5: Limit your exposure to Blue Light

Your phone, TV, and laptop all emit blue light which can trick your brain into thinking it’s earlier than it actually is, and delays the release of sleep-inducing melatonin.  If you can, try to not bring any devices into the bedroom an hour before sleep and make it a “no device zone”. If you’re guaranteed to get separation anxiety from your gadgets at night, here are some things you can do:

1. The only phone hack you truly need to know: Create a shortcut on your phone to switch to a red light at night if you’re like Gill, and can’t stop FaceTiming or watching YouTube videos before bed.

2. Download an app called F.lux that automatically changes the lighting settings on your laptop at night. 

3. MAJOR HACK: Invest in some cute blue light blocking glasses to wear at night. These pairs are our fave, Cailyn wears them all the time and they’ve been a real game-changer!

6: Establish a bedtime ritual

And finally, establishing a relaxing bedtime ritual can help you wind down at the end of the day. Try doing a meditation (check out our guided meditation with Nina Purewal below from episode 5!), listening to calming music, reading, or unwinding to uber-relaxing ASMR videos. Do something to turn off that chatty mind so you can get to sleep.

We’re going to commit to testing out all these tips this week because we are tired as hell. So follow along with us on insta and we’ll keep you posted on how it goes! Hit us up on social and let us know what tricks help you sleep better. Sweet dreams!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

See you next week! xo

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Shop our favourite sleep picks!

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Related Episodes:

Episode 07: How To Pivot Your Small Business and Thrive Online During Coronavirus

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Today, we’re tapping into our favourite moment from Friends so we can all learn to PIVOTTTT! PIVOTTTT. 

With the hard-hitting effects of coronavirus, it’s a tough time for entrepreneurs and small businesses right now, so we’re diving into all the ways you can pivot your business to digital, because your business deserves to make it. 

How your business responds to this crisis will play a huge part in its future, and we want to help, so we talked to digital guru, business consultant and productivity strategist, Alyssa Coleman. She’s the founder of The Productive Entrepreneur, a strategic coaching program, she hosts events for companies like Lululemon, and she runs epic career-coaching retreats around the world. Listen to the episode or scroll down to see all of the tips, tricks and strategies that Alyssa shared with us to help keep your small business going.

We were SO inspired by our chat with Alyssa and have already started seeing results from her advice. She has tons more strategies that helped us, and you can access all those processes, templates, workbooks, video training and tools in
her signature program Your Most Profitable Quarter Yet.

BONUS: She’s giving Teach Me How To Adult listeners a special discount of $250.00 off the program when you sign up with THIS LINK and use the code “FRIENDPRICE”!

Things may look a lot different for you for the next while, but that doesn’t mean you need to give up on our business altogether. Whether you’re a big company like Dyson, which is producing ventilators to help fight Covid-19, or a local distillery that’s now exclusively making hand sanitizer (shoutout to Mill St. Brewery), there are lots of ways to pivot and make an impact. 

And if you’re just trying to stay afloat and make ends meet right now, the best place to start is online. Spend this time rethinking your products or services to meet current demands, and consider how you can help out and get active in your online community: 

• Offer encouragement and support to your audience

• Give them a behind the scenes look at your brand on social

• Remind them that you’re still in business and that you still have services, products or content to offer

• Experiment! Get super active on social media and forge new connections. Find your people and let them know how they can help you

• Figure out what your customers need right now, and help solve their current problems

Lots of gyms and fitness studios are offering free classes Live on social now. In Toronto, Tribe Fitness is running some of their most popular classes on Instagram Live and offering their full class schedule at a discounted rate via Zoom. All Day Fit launched an online hub with daily workouts that focus on body weight and minimal equipment...just in case we decide to move from the couch. Here’s our favourite gear to use for at home workouts.

Nail salons like Naked Beauty Bar, Olive & June, and Her Majesty’s Pleasure are offering new retail products like at-home nail kits to ensure their customers are still taken care of. (The nail situation is getting dire, people!)

Local restaurants are donating food to the front lines and moving to delivery options at lightning speed. In Toronto, Miss Thing’s developed an online delivery strategy so they could cut out the middleman and keep 100% of their sales revenue, and they’re helping other restaurants develop sites that allow contactless delivery. 

Just remember that incredible innovation has still happened during global crises. Uber and AirBnB were invented in the 2008 recession. Shakespeare wrote some of his most famous plays during a plague, Newton discovered gravity and invented calculus while quarantined… although we could’ve lived without calculus. 

So, don’t give up! Here’s Alyssa’s advice on pivoting to digital:

Is now a good time to get planning and innovating in your small business? 

According to Alyssa, now is the best time to ramp up and rethink your digital strategy. “People are being forced to get creative and become really resourceful with their businesses. They’re using this time as a magnifying glass to say: ‘Hey, I really rely on one specific income stream, and I'm going to use this time to diversify’.” 

This quarantine is also a call-to-action of sorts for people who have side hustles or who have been putting their dreams on the back burner. “A lot of us are using this time to really focus on our businesses, on the things that we can control as a way to get through this. Sometimes you need to put your head down and focus on the things that you can control and be optimistic about in order to move forward,” says Alyssa.

Four non-negotiables entrepreneurs should be doing daily

To succeed as a small business in the digital world right now, Alyssa recommends following her “Big Four”—four non-negotiable steps that brands should focus on every single day to increase their sales and customers:

1. Business mindset: Now more than ever, it's super important to invest in your business mindset. “Entrepreneurship is a mental game,” Alyssa says, “and you need to make sure  that you are not becoming the thing that's holding your business back.”

2. Growth: Look at your audience, and potential audience, and figure out how you can grow by at least one person on your email list or social channels everyday.

3. Nourish: How can I help people? Every single day, you need to show up and provide value to your audience, regardless of whether or not they’re going to buy something from you. 

4. Make an offer: If you number three really well, then this should never come off as a hard sell. “I love that a lot of businesses are really showing up and offering things for free right now,” says Alyssa, “But we should all be putting out free value everyday, whether you’re showing up on social and answering questions or providing free training videos or podcasts.” Then, you never need to feel uncomfortable for promoting your product or service.

How to make the pivot to digital as a brick-and-mortar business

It’s a really overwhelming time for brick-and-mortar businesses, but it’s also an opportunity, says Alyssa. “You’re going to need to get creative, and most entrepreneurs are very creative and resourceful, so you already have those tools in your tool belt. You need to look strategically at what [you] can provide to [your] current audience, rather than trying to start from scratch and grow a whole new audience. Most of these people already do have potential customers, past customers, online followers. 

I think it's really important to ask yourself: ‘How can I show up for them right now in a way that's going to provide value, and then how can I offer something more that's going to make their life easier or better that I can charge for?” 

Take a hair salon, for example. Owners could start by putting out some free, value-added content like videos or articles on how to treat, cut or style your hair at home while keeping it healthy. Then, they could buy in bulk and start delivering at-home hair masks, colour correctors and dry shampoo (so we can all look fresh on our Zoom meetings!). 

How to make digital sales if you’re a service-based business

Alyssa says that the biggest shift to digital happens when you start selling digital products and resources. Let's say you're a hair colourist, you can start selling digital products and in-depth courses for other hair colourists to master their pro techniques while they’re stuck at home. That’s where the big money happens. 

“Create a course and sell that to other people who follow you. Ask yourself, ‘Where are my skills?’ and then find the middle of the Venn Diagram between [your] skills and [the] problems you can solve,” says Alyssa.

If you don’t already, start offering and promoting gift cards for your services that devoted customers can buy for future use. “You could offer a discount where, if you book now or purchase a gift card now, you get a free treatment or an offer that’s fairly low cost to you, but is a value-add to people who might not want to invest in something they’re [maybe not even going to get] in the next six months,” Alyssa suggests.

How can companies shift their messaging to sell in a sensitive, appropriate way?

“The best part about being a business owner in the digital age is that you don't have to force anyone to buy anything that they're not financially able to buy”, says Alyssa. As long as you aren’t trying to scam your customers, and you’re being ethical, there’s nothing wrong with continuing to sell your products and services. Not to mention, the Canadian economy is relying on digital businesses right now to keep commerce going while we all social distance! (No pressure.) 

“I really want to encourage, women specifically, to not put their businesses on the back burner because they're worried it's going to offend someone,” says Alyssa. “As long as you're using your common sense, your intuition and you’re being sensitive, then I think absolutely you should continue making offers to people. Because if you can solve someone's problem then it's almost a disservice to them for you to not show up right now.” 

How to capitalize on that captive audience and engage your online community 

Now is the time to build brand awareness and invest in online advertising. “Ad costs are quite low right now because of the current supply and demand since more people are online and they're really engaged, so ad costs are going down,” Alyssa explains. 

Whether you’re starting a social media challenge, hosting a panel or webinar, or going live on Instagram and Facebook, “those things are really designed to create a trusting relationship between you and your ideal client and for them to understand your philosophy on their problems,” says Alyssa. “The whole purpose of selling a digital course is to solve a problem, so your dream client needs to understand what your philosophy is. If they don't understand that, they’re so much less likely to buy, so this gives you a great opportunity to make it super clear.”

Part of forming that trust is giving your audience a behind the scenes look at you and your company. Going live on social platforms allows you to share more personally, and to tell your audience what your products and services are all about. “It's such an incredible way for people to feel like they're hanging out with you right there in your house”, says Alyssa. 

Alyssa says going live allows you to “nourish” your audience with free content before you “Create an offer” (two of those four steps in her “Big Four”). Alyssa recommends doing this towards the end of your video so that you start off with the value-add content before getting to your main offer...which you should never feel any shame for promoting! 

Is now a good time to start an email list?

Yes! Email marketing lets you show up in people’s inboxes in a consistent way that you just can’t guarantee on social media, with the ever-changing algorithms. 

“With email marketing, you have a lot more control. People are—don't quote me on this—70 percent more likely to make purchases from their inbox than they are from social. Literally some of the smartest people in Silicon Valley are being paid a lot of money to keep you scrolling (or tapping to the next story) and they have put a lot of money into you not leaving their app. So a lot of people aren't leaving their app to make purchases. It's great to be able to get into someone's Inbox and have a relationship with them when you send something valuable to their [email].”

Create something super simple, like a checklist, a video, or just offer a coupon or discount for a future appointment. Then, offer it to people in exchange for their email so you can grow your e-newsletter audience. There are lots of simple tools you can use to start: MailChimp is a go-to free service for beginners, and Alyssa’s favourite tool is Convertkit, which is specifically built for businesses and content creators that want to email out regular content. 

Don’t know what content or services to put out there? Ask!

“A great way to find out what people need right now, is to just ask them! Especially on social. I always recommend putting up polls [asking]: would you rather learn more about this, or this? Are you more interested in getting it through social or stories or through emails? You'll be surprised at how many people are willing to answer and how valuable that information is for you,” says Alyssa. 

“But will online audiences even make me money?” Here’s why increasing your brand awareness online is key

“People need to hear about you many, many times [before making a sale]. Some people say 7 to 14 times, I’ve now heard that it's more like 14 to 21 times [before they consider buying anything],” Alyssa explains. “Sometimes you have to be following someone for years and years before you're ready to take the plunge, so the more you can create that relationship with someone, the easier your sale will be later on.”  

Ultimately, you should always be investing into your community, regardless of whether or not they're going to buy right now, so you can add value, create long-term loyalty and reap the benefits down the road.

We hope that this episode inspires you to make some moves with your business! If you liked this episode it would mean the world to us if you would rate the podcast and share it with your friends!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

See you next week! xo

Connect with Alyssa Coleman here:

@alyssacoleman.ca

alyssacoleman.ca

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Related Episodes:

Episode 06: How To Be More Productive While You’re Working From Home

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Most of us are figuring out how to work from home right now as we all practice social distancing and self-isolation due to the Coronavirus. And we know it ain’t easy.  So we did some research on some of the most effective and easy productivity hacks that experts swear by. For us, method #2 has been a serious game changer, so keep reading (and listen below!) so you can learn how to beat procrastination and cross off all the things on that never-ending to-do list (yes, that includes Tiger King) all from the comfort of your couch.

Method #1: The Pomodoro Method

This technique was developed in the early 1990s by Italian entrepreneur Francesco Cirillo when he was studying in university and used a kitchen timer in the shape of a tomato to time out his study sessions. You don’t have to use an actual tomato timer to do this method, any timer will do, but we’re kind of obsessed with this Pomodoro cutie on Amazon!

How does it work?

This method can be broken down into three easy steps:

1.  First, you need to break up your tasks into 25 minute increments, called Pomodoros.

2.  Once you’ve finished your Pomodoro you’re encouraged to take a short five minute break. Exercise, make a coffee, or call a friend, just make sure to give your brain a break and do something that isn’t work-related.

3.  Once you’ve done a total of 4 Pomodoros you can take a longer break (15-20 minutes).

Here’s the catch - if you didn’t finish your task during the Pomodoro, Cirillo says you have to move on and start a new timer for that same task later on. If you do finish your task during the Pomodoro, he suggests staying on that task and reviewing your work, or learning something new about the subject.

When should you use this method?

This method is perfect for students who have to memorize a ton of content, or anyone who is trying to learn a new skill because it forces you to get laser focused on one topic at a time.

Method #2: Timeboxing

We SWEAR by this method. No seriously, this podcast would not have been possible without timeboxing. It’s honestly like speed dating for productivity.

How does it work?

It’s simple. All you need to do is write down your to-do list and allocate a fixed amount of time to each activity. If you don’t finish the task within that fixed time frame, you have to move on to the next task—no matter what.

It’s helped us get realistic about how much we can actually accomplish in a given time, and it made us stop over-scheduling our days or setting unrealistic expectations on how much work we can actually get done in a day. 

When should you use this method?

This is great for anyone who has a bunch of annoying mini tasks to do (i.e. paying bills, responding to emails, cleaning out your inbox, submitting expense reports) because it allows you to block off a set amount of time within your day to complete these tasks. 

It is also a great method for anyone who, like us, is a perfectionist, because it forces you to move on from a task and accomplish more in your day. 

When you get realistic about how long each activity on your to-do list actually takes, you start to realize you can probably only complete half of those items really well. So make sure to check in after timeboxing and reflect on how much you actually got done and if you need to approach your tasks differently next time. 

We swear by this method and found it helpful to use a timer so that we know when to stop. We LOVE this time cube !

Method #3: Eat That Frog Method

Don’t worry, no frogs were harmed in the making of this method. The Eat That Frog method was developed by CEO and author Brian Tracy in his book, Eat that Frog: 21 Great Ways To Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time. 

He got the term “eat that frog” from Mark Twain who once famously said, “If you eat a live frog first thing in the morning nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day”. 

Ew...how does it work?

This method is all about prioritizing the harder, more important stuff first, when you have the most energy, so that you’ll be able to power through all of the smaller, easier tasks later on in the day.

When should you use this method?

This method is perfect for people who procrastinate because instead of feeling overwhelmed by your to-do list, it helps you focus on the most important stuff that needs to get done that day. 

Usually these are the things that we put off because they are the most time consuming or the most difficult. But if you do the hard shit first the rest of your day will be a breeze.

We know it can be hard working from home, so we hope that these methods help you feel a little bit more confident to get shit done!

Leave us a comment below or DM us on Instagram if you try any of these methods, or if you have any other productivity hacks that you swear by! 

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

See you next week! xo

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Related Episodes:

Episode 04: How To Start Meditating So You Can Be Mindful AF

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Anxiety and uncertainty are at an all-time high right now, so we wanted to share some strategies for finding some calm and peace in all the chaos. The average person has about 50,000 thoughts a day, and the best way to gain control of your thoughts and emotions is through a solid mindfulness and meditation practice. It’s like when you have too many tabs open on your laptop... it’s not going to run very fast, and it’s probably going to crash.

We called in the mindfulness Queen herself, Nina Purewal, to learn how we can get mindful AF and master our thoughts. Nina has been studying mindfulness and meditation for over 20 years! She's the owner of Pure Minds, a company that runs mindfulness workshops for the public and corporate sectors, and she's the co-author of the bestselling book, Let That Shit Go. If you’re looking for an approachable, no-BS approach to mindfulness and meditation, this book is for you. 

We also recorded an incredible guided meditation with Nina, so make sure you listen to the end of the episode (at 36:20), or queue it up on its own in the bonus meditation episode we uploaded.

There’s never been a better time to adopt new habits like meditating and practise more self-care. Nina reminded us that “Self-love is about bubble baths, netflix and a night out, but it’s also about how we’re talking to ourselves and how we’re treating ourselves.”

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What are the benefits of Meditation?

“It’s kind of like going to the gym for your mind,” says Nina. “It’s an opportunity for you to sit there in complete silence and just observe what’s going on. And by doing that, you’ll be much more equipped in the real world when your mind gets the best of you. You’ll know what to do with it, and you’ll have a better sense of how to reign it in.” 

There’s a lot of information about practising mindfulness and meditation, so we’re boiling it down to the facts you need to know: 

• It’s all about living in the present moment, and leaning into your emotions instead of running away from them. Meditation increases awareness, clarity, focus, and even compassion! One study found that when experts meditated on compassion, they altered their brain’s capacity for feeling empathy.

• Researchers at John Hopkins University found that meditation improves symptoms of depression, anxiety, irritability, and pain related to stress. 

• In one study, people who used a meditation app for 8 weeks had a 46% reduction in depression and a 31% reduction in anxiety. 

• In another study, after only 30 days of using the meditation app Headspace, participants’ stress was down by a third. 

In our own experience, practising meditation and mindfulness has had a major impact on our mind and mood. But the key is trying to find a practice that fits into your everyday life. We love guided meditations apps like Headspace and Calm to help center us before our day starts, or help us get focused before we sit down to work. 

How can meditation help shape your thoughts?

From the second we wake up to the moment we fall asleep, we are constantly connected. Whether it’s via our smartphones, work emails, or everyday stressors, our mind is always inundated with racing thoughts. Nina calls this our “chatty mind” (or monkey mind), and it just keeps swinging from thought to thought without stopping. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, or negativity for a lot of us. Meditation allows us to calm these thoughts and tap into what Nina calls our “observing mind”. “The observing mind simply observes what the chatty mind is doing. It doesn’t judge the chatty mind. It doesn’t try to solve for the thoughts you’re thinking. It doesn’t make you feel guilty for thinking those thoughts,” she says. 

The observing mind’s job is to recognize what’s going on in your head, and to help bring you back to the present moment. That’s the exact skill that meditation develops— it helps us control the chatty mind. “The observing mind is like a muscle,” explains Nina. The more you lean into it, the more you’ll be able to leverage it. “Because at the end of the day, we are not our thoughts,” she says.

How can we stop the negative thinking?

Take the time to “CSI the shit out of your thoughts,” says Nina. Once you tap into your observing mind and create some space between all of those negative thoughts, ask yourself where they came from...Are they even really true? Are you really bad at your job? What proof do you have of that? Weren’t you hired for a reason? Take a step back and replace negative thoughts with truths, or with a more positive perspective. 

How do we disconnect and check in with ourselves?

Set some boundaries for yourself. Nina suggests setting hard and fast rules when it comes to devices and distraction: 

1.  Don’t check your phone before bed. Give yourself a mental break, and try reading a book, meditating or doing something for yourself besides scrolling.

2. Don’t look at your phone when you wake up. Give yourself some peace in the morning before logging onto Instagram or responding to the 50 emails that piled up over night. 

Pick a day to disconnect. Try doing a digital detox on Sundays and give yourself a break from your phone. If that’s too daunting, Nina suggests picking one day a month to truly go offline and chill.

Create physical boundaries. When you get home from work, try leaving your phone somewhere you won’t be tempted to look at it 24/7. Leave it in your car, charge it in your basement, or put it somewhere that’s out of site, out of mind.

Turn off your notifications. Turning off all notifications puts you in control of when you need to check your phone. 

Take work off your phone. Does that 10:00pm email really need to be answered right away? Assuming it’s not a 911 emergency, taking your work email off your phone helps create a healthy boundary between work and personal life. 

Notice what makes you feel good. Take inventory of the types of people and accounts that you follow on social media and how they make you feel.

How can we incorporate mindfulness in our busy lives?

It’s hard to actually practice mindfulness IRL, when you’re balancing work, your personal life, and day to day stresses that come up. So how can you realistically incorporate more mindfulness?

Implement a gratitude practice. Nina suggests thinking of five things you’re grateful for each morning when you wake up to stop negative thoughts in their tracks. You can go big picture or get super granular with your gratitudes, from recognizing the awesome people and opportunities you’re surrounded by, to the daily details we take for granted like shelter and running water.

Match your train of thought with your actions. Nina learned this technique from one of her meditation teachers in California, who suggested matching the thoughts in your head with the actions that you are doing. So, if you’re washing the dishes, you would think to yourself:  “I am now washing a pot. Now I'm putting soap on the sponge. Now I’m rinsing the pot,” and so on. It might feel a bit crazy at first, but this allows you to practise bringing yourself back into the present moment.

Lean into breath. Taking deep breaths can help alleviate feelings of stress, anxiety and anger. The more shallow our breathing is, the more panic we feel. 

Have mindful triggers throughout your day. Nina recommends picking a small activity that you do daily (think: brushing your teeth, making a coffee, showering, etc.) that acts as a consistent trigger to bring you back into the present moment. 

Meditate. Whether you have five minutes, or half an hour, carve out some time to sit in silence and let your thoughts flow. Try different kinds of meditation, from breathwork to mantras to visualizations, and see what works best for you. 

If you’re feeling a little lost right now, get some comfort from the advice Nina’s meditation teacher in California shared: “If you get to a point where you don’t know who you are, that’s a good thing. It just means that you are taking off all of the layers, and building yourself back up.”

We hope that this episode inspires you to start (or continue!) a mindfulness and meditation practice. If you liked this episode it would mean the world to us if you would rate the podcast and share it with your friends!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

See you next week! xo

Connect with Nina and Kate here:

• https://www.instagram.com/nina.pure.minds/

• https://www.instagram.com/letthatshitgo_book/

• https://www.pureminds.ca/

• https://www.instagram.com/kate.petriw/

• http://www.mindmatters.space/

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Related Episodes:

Episode 03: How to Prep for Tax Season

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It's tax season folks, but it doesn’t need to be a horrible, scary thing. You just need to be prepared, organized and informed about how the whole process works. 

Whether you’re filing as an individual or as a small business, there’s lots of things to consider to make sure you’re filing correctly and getting all the tax breaks that you can.

What are tax deductions VS tax credits? (2:00-4:00)

Deductions and credits are all the things that can offset the amount of taxes that you owe at the end of the year. You don’t want to leave money on the table, so do your research to maximize your tax return. 

Tax deductions reduce your taxable income. For example, if you make $50,000, and have eligible deductions of $5,000, the government will only tax you as if you made $45,000 of income.

This is key for entrepreneurs, freelancers or anyone who currently has a side hustle. When it comes to entrepreneurial costs, as long as it’s necessary for the operation of your business, and you have proof of purchase, you can expense almost anything for your business. Check your own provincial or state government for what deductions you are eligible for, but some examples in Canada include:

• RRSP contributions

• Charitable donations

• Child care expenses

• Medical and dental expenses

• Moving expenses

• Expenses towards your business, or freelance expenses, essentially any expense that is deemed operationally necessary to your business 

  • Advertising fees

  • Rent/mortgage

  • Utility costs

  • New laptop

  • Phone

  • Transportation, including car mileage or ubers

  • Professional fees like legal and accounting

  • Office supplies

  • Educational courses & training

Tax credits, on the other hand, are credits that can reduce the amount of taxes that you owe. For example, if you owe $5,000 in taxes at the end of the year but you are eligible for $2,000 in tax credits, you would only have to pay $3,000 in taxes. 

When you’re filing your taxes, you’ll be prompted to check any of the tax credit boxes that apply to you. Again, you will have to check your individual provincial or state credits, but in Canada these could include credits for: 

• Children and dependents benefits

• Home Buyers credit

• Senior Citizens 

• Disability 

• Pension 

• Student tuition, textbooks, and loan interest

• Charitable donations

Expert Tax Advice (4:17)

We’re not the experts, so we called in Laura Davidson to teach us everything you need to know about prepping for your taxes, especially for small businesses and freelancers. Laura is an Accounting Consultant, Business Coach, entrepreneur, and the founder of Modern Money, a financial resource for millennial women. Here are the Taxes 101 basics to know:

• The deadline for submitting Canadian taxes as an individual has been extended to June 1, 2020 due to COVID-19. Self-employed professionals can now file up till June 15, 2020. 

• The deadline to pay all balances owing on your 2019 tax return has been extended to August 31, 2020 to accommodate the effects of COVID-19.

• If you’re a corporation, you have six months after your company’s year-end date to file your taxes. So if your year-end is December 1st, that gives you until June 1st. 

• If you’re filing on your own, the easiest way to submit your taxes is through automated programs like uFile, SimpleTax, TurboTax and QuickBooks. 

• If you work with a tax accountant, make sure you stay involved and aware of the process. “The more hands on you can be with your money and taxes, the better,” says Laura. 

• Pay on time! If you miss deadlines the penalties and fees are heavy. 

Forms to submit

Individual tax-payers should expect a T4 slip from their employers. Sole proprietors will need a T1, Corporations will file a T2, and anyone with investment income will receive a T5 from their bank. 

Preparing for tax season throughout the year

Always be audit-proof: You can be audited back seven years, so make sure you’re prepared for an audit. Especially if you’re an entrepreneur or business owner, it is crucial to keep all of your receipts, says Laura. “Think of a receipt as lost money. If you don’t have it, consider it non-expensable, because you can’t prove the purchase.” 

Top up your RRSPs: (10:25) You get a tax credit for contributing to your RRSP, so take full advantage! Your contribution room is 18% of your earnings or a maximum amount. In 2019 the limit was $26,500, and for 2020 the RRSP deduction limit is $27,230. If you don’t contribute in this calendar year, it carries forward to next year. The myCRA.ca site is a great portal when filing your taxes as it shows the contribution limit that’s available for both your RRSP and TFSA accounts. The deadline for RRSP contributions is generally the end of February or beginning of March each year (for 2019 contributions the deadline was March 2, 2020). 

Business-owners and HST: (8:00min)  “If you are a business owner, sole proprietor, side hustler, or someone who pays HST and income tax, open up a savings account and put aside 20-25% of your revenue every month,” says Laura. “When you charge HST, your cash flow looks higher because you have more money sitting in your bank account, but you don’t own that HST.” 

Setting aside that HST money automatically each month will help you prepare for the taxes you owe at the end of the year if they aren’t regularly deducted from your salary. 

Once you start earning $30,000, you must register for an HST number for your business. You can register for one before that time if you know you’ll have high operating costs in your first year. “When you spend a lot on business start-up costs, you’ll be charged HST, and you’ll get a refund from the government on all that HST you’ve spent. Then, once you start earning revenue, that HST will balance out and you will owe HST,” Laura explains. 

We hope that this episode helps you feel prepared and informed for tax season! If you liked the episode, it would mean the world to us if you would rate the podcast and share it with your friends!

If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:

@teachmehowtoadultpodcast

@cailynmichaan 

@yunggillianaire

Connect with Laura:

• https://www.instagram.com/misslauradavidson/

• https://www.instagram.com/modernmoney_/

• https://www.lauradavidson.ca/

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Episode 02: How To Gain Confidence and Overcome Impostor Syndrome

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt like you’re not good enough, or that you don't deserve the job or promotion or opportunity that you’ve earned. That’s Impostor Syndrome talking, and most of us (70% of the population!) have experienced it at some point, in the workplace or our relationships or passions. It's super common among high achievers, creatives and women. 

But fear not! Today we’re talking to the expert, Raia “Coach” Carey, who knows a thing or two about how to stop Impostor Syndrome in its tracks. She’s a 3x certified life coach and motivational speaker who specializes in confidence, visualization, and career coaching, and she gave us some FIRE strategies for gaining confidence and shutting down those doubtful voices in our heads. 

What does Impostor Syndrome sound like?

One of the most common signs of Impostor Syndrome is that voice in your head that questions: “Who am I to do this?” It shows up as negative self-talk and doubtful narratives we plant in our minds. “It’s the language we use that reflects our lack of confidence,” says Coach Carey. “It’s like, ‘I don’t have any experience, so no one will ever hire me’.”

According to Coach Carey, Impostor Syndrome shows up in the places and spaces you need to be, “Deep down you know that’s where you need to grow, and it’s going to be uncomfortable. There’s something inside you that knows this is the exact kind of growth and challenge you need. Lean into that.”

The truth is, you don’t have to be perfect to be qualified or capable. That’s just a story we tell ourselves. “We want to be perfect before we inspire,” says Carey, “But it’s the imperfections that actually end up inspiring people.” 

Signs that Impostor Syndrome is taking over can include burnout, avoidance, and an ongoing lack of fulfilment for perfectionists. It shows up as employees overworking themselves to compensate for a perceived deficit, taking on way too much to prove that they’re worthy. And it can lead to missed opportunities for people who are hella deserving. 

The five types of Impostor Syndrome 

Dr. Valerie Young has made a career of studying Impostor Syndrome, and she breaks it down into five different types, which helped us understand where and how Impostor Syndrome can creep up. 

• The Perfectionists: They have extremely high expectations for themselves, and even when they meet 99% of their goals, they still feel like failures. 

• The Experts: These folks feel like they need to know allllll the info before they’re willing to start a project, and they won’t apply for a job if they don’t meet every bit of criteria in the description. 

• The Natural Genius: They’re used to things coming easily to them, and when they have to put in more effort, their brain tells them that’s proof they’re an impostor.

• The Soloists: These guys feel like they have to accomplish everything on their own, and that needing help makes them a failure.

• The Superwoman/Superman: They push themselves to work harder than those around them to prove they’re not impostors. They need to succeed in all aspects of life, and feel stressed when they’re not the best at something.

If you identify with any of these, Coach Carey recommends trying to reframe these thought processes by questioning and countering them. For example, if you’re a soloist who needs to do everything on your own to feel worthy, challenge that idea by exploring the value of forming a mastermind group where you can gain info from other subject matter experts. You’ll likely end up finding empowerment in collaboration after all. 

Strategies for overcoming it

“Everyday remind yourself that no matter where you are in life, you can always get to other places,” says Carey. “You have every single thing you need. You can make any change in your life if you take the time to figure it out.” Consider us inspired AF. 

Watch how you talk to yourself. Negative self-talk leeches into your subconscious and your subconscious will focus on the harmful statements that hold the most power, like “I could never get that job,” or “I’ll never be beautiful enough to do that thing.” Your words shape your world, so be careful which ones you use. Write down or say positive affirmations out loud to replace those negative thoughts. 

Coach Carey is even careful of how she talks about to-do lists. “To-do lists are a choose list. Every single day you get to choose what you do. We always have a choice.” 

It can also help to have a positive mantra or quote to keep you going. Coach Carey’s is: “Embrace where you are today in life, knowing it’s not where you have to stay.”

Unpack yourself. Coach Carey recommends starting with the following four questions every night before bed:

• What worked well for me today?

• What didn’t work well for me?

• What fuelled me?

• What drained me? 

After two weeks you’ll see patterns of what’s helping or hindering you. It helps to track your goals, momentum and behaviours so you can figure out what you want to change or do more of, so take conscious quality time with yourself to check in with no distractions.

 Use visualization. Coach Carey uses visualization a lot to help her clients. Here’s what her approach looks like: 

1. Start with imagining what your ideal life would look like if you could change anything you wanted. Let your imagination wander, picture what your day is like, how you are acting and feeling.

2. Break that down into three top “goals” or “wants” that you can work towards. These could look like a raise in your job, or living in a different city, or a better health and fitness regime.

3. From there, come up with action-oriented steps and tools you can implement to make those changes. 

4. Ask yourself who is impacted by these changes you would make. Will your family be happier living in a better city? Will a shorter commute allow you to spend more time with your loved ones? This will help form your “why” that will motivate your goal. 

Remember, the key to effective visualization is removing the barriers and mental blocks, and creating a safe space to imagine what your life could be like. Because everything you can imagine is possible. So imagine, then come up with the strategies and tools to implement. 

Fight fiction with fact. When you’re feeling not good enough for something, make a list of all the things that prove you're just as qualified as anyone else. Get specific and include tangible results that support your value. And keep track of your wins! We naturally hold onto all the times we felt that we failed, but we should be focusing on the times we succeeded. Keep a document or Inbox folder of any praise, kudos and positive feedback that can remind you of your value.

Engage with your hobbies: Do the things that make you feel at your best, says Coach Carey. If you consistently show up feeling your best, you’re more likely to succeed in other areas of your life. 

“We live in a time where we did all of our hobbies as kids, and then bills, work, school and society got us to stop,” explains Coach Carey. “But those are the things that truly bring us joy. And joy and happiness are different. Happiness you can find in almost everything, but joy you can only give to yourself.”

Dealing with Impostor Syndrome in your career

Impostor Syndrome can get in the way of pursuing promotions, new gigs and higher salaries or freelance rates. While most people focus on perfectionism and having all the experience before they pursue opportunities, Coach Carey says it’s not always about being the most experienced. “People are way more willing to follow a leader than a boss.” 

“Vulnerability makes you way more relatable as a leader. We’re all learning, and people are way more willing to learn with you. Humility is what resonates,” she says. 

And what if you don’t have all the answers or expertise in a job interview? Coach Carey suggests approaching an interview by saying: “That’s one area I’m not fully well-versed in, but I’m happy, motivated and willing to learn. I’ve already signed up for a course [to fill that knowledge gap]. If you already recognize the problem and come with solutions, I’d give you the job over the perfectionist.”

And when it comes to gaining the confidence to negotiate your pay, Coach Carey recommends figuring out what number you’d be really happy with, then adding onto that. Even if you just add $500-$1000. And if you get paid that much, the next time you can try adding more. Because you’ll deserve it.

Connect with Raia “Coach” Carey!

• https://www.instagram.com/coach.carey/

• https://www.careycoach.com/

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