Episode 234: The Quickie: Are Boundaries Making Us Assholes? How To Properly Set Them (And Stop Misusing Them)
I have a hot take: Boundaries are giving a lotttt of people a permission slip to be assholes. They’re being mis-used to control, manipulate, and justify selfish behaviour.
I have a hot take: Boundaries are giving a lotttt of people a permission slip to be assholes. They’re being mis-used to control, manipulate, and justify selfish behaviour.
As therapy speak and buzzwords take over the internet and group chats, the overuse can lead to misuse, and a lot of these ideas have become convoluted and misrepresented. (Guys… not EVERYONE is a narcissist, and a disagreement doesn’t mean you were being gaslit.)
Boundaries should start with a respectful dialogue, but these days they’re being used as excuse to ghost, cancel people, always get your way, and avoid dealing with real issues. Don’t get me wrong, as a newly reformed anxious people-pleaser, learning about setting proper boundaries has legit changed my life. But bailing on friends or suddenly cutting off loved ones when you don’t get your way to “protect your peace” isn’t actually how healthy boundaries work.
Boundaries are an amazing tool to protect our wellbeing and our relationships. They should be rooted in kindness and respect, they should aim to bring us closer and build bridges, not walls. And they should always be about the actions you will take to keep yourself safe, not controlling other people or making demands.
So join me as I go offffff on:
The most common ways boundaries are being unfairly used
How power and control can masquerade as boundaries
How to *actually* set a healthy boundary
Melissa Urban’s traffic light framework for boundary-setting
Scripts for kind and gentle boundaries
How improperly using boundaries leads to avoidance
Why selective enforcement is hurtful
Resources mentioned: Listen to episode 88 with boundaries expert Melissa Urban
Our show is produced by:
Gillian Berner, Host, Producer & Editor
Olivia Nashmi, Audio Engineer
Carolyn Schissler, Designer & Web Producer
Sara Valentine, Content Producer
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Episode 172: Teach Me How To Quit People-Pleasing And Create Honest Relationships, with Psychotherapist Kristina Virro
As born-and-raised (but recovering!) people pleasers, we have experienced first-hand how this habit can contribute to burnout, resentment, getting taken advantage of, and appeasing people who don’t respect our boundaries. But it’s time to break the cycle, because the key to happiness and success isn’t trying to please everyone… that’s actually the key to failure.
As born-and-raised (but recovering!) people pleasers, we have experienced first-hand how this habit can contribute to burnout, resentment, getting taken advantage of, and appeasing people who don’t respect our boundaries. But it’s time to break the cycle, because the key to happiness and success isn’t trying to please everyone… that’s actually the key to failure.
So we called in the expert, Kristina Virro. Kristina is a Registered Psychotherapist and Holistic Nutritionist, who is dedicated to reducing stigma around mental health and helping people learn effective strategies to feel less stuck and more empowered. She provides psychotherapy and nutritional counselling at her wellness clinic, Fresh Insight, and she has shared her expertise with major outlets like CP24, Canadian Living, and Global News Live. You might have seen her on social media, where she’s amassed over 100,000 followers on TikTok for her no-bullshit real talk about therapy and mental health.
Tune in as we chat about:
The psychological root of people-pleasing
The red flags to look out for if you have people-pleasing tendencies
The danger of prioritizing being liked over everything
How it affects communication — especially at work
How these behaviours impact your relationships
Understanding the fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses
Getting comfortable with letting people down
Establishing honest boundaries (without being an asshole)
PS: If you’ve been toying with the idea of launching a podcast but aren’t sure where to start or how to grow, check our consulting services at teachmehowtoadult.ca/howtopodcast!
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
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Episode 116: How to I Balance It All And Prioritize — Without The Overwhelm And Guilt?
In the words of Sharpay Evans “I want it all!” and we’re conditioned to believe that we should have it all — a career, a family, good health, a social life, nice things, without having to give anything up. But let’s be honest, our time and energy are finite resources and everything in life comes with tradeoffs. So the real key to “balance” is figuring out what you want to prioritize right now, and what can take the backseat.
In the words of Sharpay Evans “I want it all!” and we’re conditioned to believe that we should have it all — a career, a family, good health, a social life, nice things, without having to give anything up. But let’s be honest, our time and energy are finite resources and everything in life comes with tradeoffs. So the real key to “balance” is figuring out what you want to prioritize right now, and what can take the backseat.
This week we’re tackling a question about how to balance and prioritize everything when you’re feeling overwhelmed and stretched too thin. Juggling work, family and friends can leave us feeling like we aren’t succeeding at any of it, but it’s time to give ourselves a little grace and accept the season that we’re in.
Join us as we chat about:
The myth of having it all and the truth about balance
The “seasons” Gill and Cailyn are currently in
The best advice from Shonda Rhimes
The difference between “legitimate overwhelm” and “lifestyle overwhelm”
Mel Robbins’ antidote to overwhelm
Identifying lies we tell ourselves
How to actually prioritize
You *can* have it all. Just not all at once. Let the journey unfold as you become ready for it.
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
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Episode 114: How To Say “No” To Get More Of What You Really Want
This might come as a surprise, but telling people “no” isn’t actually one of the seven deadly sins. Here’s what actually happens when you say “no” to things you don’t align with that consistently drain you: You open up all of the doors for the “HELL YES” opportunities to come flooding in!
This might come as a surprise, but telling people “no” isn’t actually one of the seven deadly sins. Here’s what actually happens when you say “no” to things you don’t align with that consistently drain you: You open up all of the doors for the “HELL YES” opportunities to come flooding in!
But if you’re anything like us and tend towards people pleasing, creating boundaries can feel foreign. And that inherent desire to avoid conflict and keep the peace can often do more harm than good. That’s why we’ve committed to learning how, and when, to prioritize our own needs, so we can show up as our best selves for all the wonderful things we say yes to. Because we can’t do it all, and our time and energy are finite resources.
There's a lot of talk, and a lot to be said, for the power of Yes, but No hasn’t gotten the same star treatment and we think it’s time to change that. From increasing productivity and preventing burnout to building healthy relationships, this week we’re giving “No” the rebrand it deserves!
Join us as we chat about:
Overcoming the need to people-please
How to rewire your brain to make different decisions
Our one exception for avoiding “no”
The ways no has changed our lives and opened new doors
How to set healthy boundaries and communicate effectively
Tips for getting better at saying no
The importance of honesty and vulnerability
The 3 questions to help you make any decision
We hope this helps you harness the power of doing less shit that you don’t enjoy, so you can make space for all the stuff that’s worth it.
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
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Episode 88: How To Set Boundaries, with CEO and Best Selling Author, Melissa Urban
’Tis the season to set some hardcore boundaries, because they really are the key to living a less stressed, healthier, happier life.
And we got a game-changing rundown on how boundaries will change your life, with the incredible Melissa Urban, who literally wrote the book on boundaries, aptly called The Book of Boundaries. This is THE boundaries 101 crash course for anyone looking to overcome people-pleasing tendencies and improve their relationship with themselves, their family and friends, and in the workplace.
’Tis the season to set some hardcore boundaries, because they really are the key to living a less stressed, healthier, happier life. Upholding boundaries doesn’t mean you’re in your villain era… the truth about how to properly set and hold them may pleasantly surprise you, because they actually work to improve your relationships — not to restrict them.
We got a game-changing rundown on how boundaries will change your life, with the incredible Melissa Urban, who literally wrote the book on boundaries, aptly called The Book of Boundaries. This is THE boundaries 101 crash course for anyone looking to overcome people-pleasing tendencies and improve their relationship with themselves, their family and friends, and in the workplace.
Melissa Urban is a six-time New York Times bestselling author, the co-founder and CEO of the wildly popular Whole30 nutritional program, and host of the Do the Thing podcast. You may have seen her on her hugely popular social accounts or heard her on some of your favourite podcasts, from Glennon Doyle’s to The Skinny Confidential. Melissa has helped millions of people live their best lives through the work she does in the health and mental wellness spaces.
Join us as we chat about:
Melissa’s journey to helping people establish healthy boundaries
Signs that it’s time to set a boundary with someone
How to *actually* set a boundary
Why boundaries improve your relationships
Melissa’s green, yellow, red framework
How to stop breaking your own self-boundaries
Bracing for pushback from others
Setting boundaries at work to crush it without burning out
Ways to set boundaries this holiday season
We hope this episode motivates you to set some boundaries in your life, so you can take back your time, mental health, energy and relationships!
Follow Melissa @melissau
Buy Melissa’s book, The Book of Boundaries:
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Episode 79: How To be More Honest
The one where Cailyn and Gill get realll honest about honesty… and it’s a juicy, therapeutic and vulnerable ride. Because let’s be honest: It isn’t always easy to tell the truth — to ourselves or to others.
Whether you’re struggling to have honest conversations, to admit the truth (to yourself or others), or you tend to hide things that are uncomfortable, it’s true what they say: The truth will set you free, and allow you to live your life unapologetically.
The one where Cailyn and Gill get realll honest about honesty… and it’s a juicy, therapeutic and vulnerable ride. Because let’s be honest: It isn’t always easy to tell the truth — to ourselves or to others.
Whether you’re struggling to have honest conversations, to admit the truth (to yourself or others), or you tend to hide things that are uncomfortable, it’s true what they say: The truth will set you free, and allow you to live your life unapologetically.
This week we’re diving into our own journeys with honesty, how fear and shame can hold us back, how figuring out who you really are will help you live more honestly, and when it might be okay to tell a little fib. Buckle up, because we’re going deep.
Tune in as we chat about:
Different kinds of lies and the toll they take on our health
The motivations behind being dishonest
How being honest with ourselves is the first step
Owning who you are and what you really want
How shame and fear influence honesty
Accepting that you won’t have the answer to everything
The freeing benefits of radical honesty
When it’s appropriate to tell a white lie
We hope this episode helps you get real with yourself, who you are and how you feel, for a freer, more connected life!
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
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Episode 73: Teach Me How Beat Burnout And Find Balance| Summer Rewind
For the rest of the summer, we’re doing a Summer Rewind, re-releasing some of our must-listen episodes as we ramp up to the launch of season two. See you in September friends!
One of the things we’ve been hearing most for the last while (outside of “unprecedented times” and “You’re on mute!”) is that our friends and families are feeling hella burnt out right now.
And even though our lives have slowed down and become more minimal in some ways, life is picking back up again and there’s a lot more stress, expectation and pressure overall.
For the rest of the summer, we’re doing a Summer Rewind, re-releasing some of our must-listen episodes as we ramp up to the launch of season two. See you in September friends!
One of the things we’ve been hearing most for the last while (outside of “unprecedented times” and “You’re on mute!”) is that our friends and families are feeling hella burnt out right now.
And even though our lives have slowed down and become more minimal in some ways, life is picking back up again and there’s a lot more stress, expectation and pressure overall.
Listen along as we dive into:
What burnout really means
The signs you might be burnt out
Why we’re all feeling it more than ever
How social media can contribute to burnout
How boundaries can help you take back control of your time, energy & wellbeing
The importance of prioritizing sleep and wellness
Why you need to slow down and ask for help when you need it
Mastering your mindset and re-thinking how you measure success
How to fall in love with your life again and find joy everyday
Incorporating self-care daily, and not just on #selfcaresunday
Knowing when it’s time to say “thank you, next!” to your job
We hope this episode helps you prevent or recover from burnout, because you are more than your job and productivity, and you deserve a balanced life. Sending you all lots of love.
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
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Episode 54: How To Survive The Holidays with Your Mental Health Intact
Happy holidays friends! Today we’re throwing it back to an oldie but a goldie from 2020 because these tips are so relevant this holiday season… and TBH, who didn’t need a little breather this week!?
While the holidays can be super joyful for many, they can also come with a ton of stress, pressure, grief, and loneliness for others. So, today we’re diving into five expert-backed mindset hacks to make it through this week with your mental health intact.
Happy holidays friends! Today we’re throwing it back to an oldie but a goldie from 2020 because these tips are so relevant this holiday season… and TBH, who didn’t need a little breather this week!?
While the holidays can be super joyful for many, they can also come with a ton of stress, pressure, grief, and loneliness for others. So, today we’re diving into five expert-backed mindset hacks to make it through this week with your mental health intact.
Tune in to learn more about:
Setting clear boundaries with yourself and loved ones
The benefits of an *easy* gratitude practise
How to “gamify” holiday drama and stress as a way of (pretty damn fun) coping
Dealing with grief and the loss of loved ones during the holiday season
Creating new traditions and making your own meaning during the holidays
Stay safe and happy holidays to you and your loved ones.
If you have a topic you’d like us to cover or a guest you want us to interview, comment or DM us on Instagram:
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Episode 30: How To Recover From Burnout and Find Balance
One of the things we’ve been hearing most for the last while (outside of “unprecedented times” and “You’re on mute!”) is that our friends and families are feeling hella burnt out right now.
And even though our lives have slowed down and become more minimal in some ways this past year, there’s a lot more stress, expectation and pressure overall.
One of the things we’ve been hearing most for the last while (outside of “unprecedented times” and “You’re on mute!”) is that our friends and families are feeling hella burnt out right now.
And even though our lives have slowed down and become more minimal in some ways this past year, there’s a lot more stress, expectation and pressure overall.
95% of you that responded to our recent Instagram poll said that you’ve experienced burnout in the last few months, and 89% said you’re feeling more burnout now than you were pre-pandemic. Those are pretty startling stats, and as two people who have experienced burnout, we really want to help ya’ll identify if you’re going through it and how you can recover.
Listen along as we dive into:
What burnout really means
The signs you might be burnt out
Why we’re all feeling it more than ever
How social media can contribute to burnout
How boundaries can help you take back control of your time, energy & wellbeing
The importance of prioritizing sleep and wellness
Why you need to slow down and ask for help when you need it
Mastering your mindset and re-thinking how you measure success
How to fall in love with your life again and find joy everyday
Incorporating self-care daily, and not just on #selfcaresunday
Knowing when it’s time to say “thank you, next!” to your job
How Millennials Became The Burnout Generation Article
We hope this episode helps you prevent or recover from burnout, because you are more than your job and productivity, and you deserve a balanced life. Sending you all lots of love.